Over the years, I’ve learned most of the social skills I missed out on as a kid, but I’ve grown in my own direction and I can’t ever completely hide that.
Being overtly different from the people you meet puts one in danger of ostracism.
Over time I’ve found a few ways to reduce the likelihood of this outcome.
People are psychologically geared to live in small tribes. Whenever we meet strangers, they are not truly people in our eyes.
Thus, the importance of initial impressions.
This is the time in which you are either grouped into the ‘insider’ or ‘outsider’ bin.
Once a person you have met has succeeded in establishing an empathy bond with you, you can begin to gradually relax, but at first, a single misstep can end in ostracism. You have to establish that you’re someone who can be sympathized with.
-Always eat meals with the people you’re living/working with if possible.
Humans instinctually form communal bonds when they eat together.
Eat what they’re eating, even if it tastes horrible, at least for the first few months.
This is the easiest and most effective way not to get ostracized.
-If you are offered some food, a ride, whatever—never refuse, even if you don’t want or need it. Even if the one who offers isn’t your favorite person. To accept is to become a person in their eyes and a member of the community.
Helping others makes people feel good. By extension, they will feel better about you.
When younger, I interpreted what people were saying much more literally. I got in trouble countless times by offending people who were just trying to be nice.
-With members of the opposite sex who are close to your age, never, ever try to ignore them. Both males and females will subconsciously feel rejected, even if there’s no attraction.
Courteous attention and some polite conversation can prevent what could otherwise cause the worst sort of social tensions.
Females especially, are prone to mobilizing all their friends and boyfriends against you if they feel you’ve given them the cold shoulder. And they will nearly always succeed in kicking you out.
This is one of the most common ways I’ve gotten myself ostracized.
Because of the general negative social feedback I got, I didn’t realize until my late teens/early twenties that women found me attractive and were trying to flirt or just trying to feel personally validated by receiving attention from a man they found attractive.
-Keep divergent interests in sci-fi/fantasy, computer games, any unusual hobbies concealed until you’ve known people for a few months. Anything nerdly or out of the ordinary that’s put fragrantly on display right away will cause people to judge you quickly.
-Show familiarity with their favorite brands, TV shows, bands, etc. Go on wikipedia if necessary.
I generally don’t research the group’s belonging tokens online because it’s usually not necessary to achieve the bare minimum of avoiding expulsion. Besides, I don’t want to clutter my mind with that stuff. Worse, one can come across as a douche or a soulless walking encyclopedia if you know the requisite information but clearly aren’t enthusiastic about it.
But wiki-clicking is worth considering if the stakes are particularly high.
-If you see public opinion turning against you, control the damage as best you can and make an exit plan.
Once you’ve overstayed your welcome, things will get ugly.
This one took some years to sink into my head. Socially inept, I would always think that things would just proceed normally, willfully ignoring or missing all the little warning signs that people drop.
I eventually stopped lying to myself and formed an axiom: If you are not seen as part of the group, the group will devise a way to eject you sooner or later. On the instinctual level, you are not a person to them. Beware!
The good news here is you mostly just have to handle the introductory first few months reasonably well. Once people feel that you are an ‘ordinary’ human being they usually won’t begrudge unorthodox habits and interests.
You won’t be everyone’s best buddy, but people will tolerate you and let you live in peace.
16 Comments
Very practical. Thank you.
This is an excellent article. You seem to have identified the important tribal signals to enable to you find a way to work with a group. I think introverts are not naturally tribal. It goes against their authenticity drive and tribal customs often seem silly and superficial. It’s great that you have found a way to make it work for you. This is an important subject for introverts and introvert HSP’s. I thank a lot of people would find it valuable and it could become an ebook.
Thanks for that. I find your information….or ruminations…or whatever, useful.
Jesus
“-Keep divergent interests in sci-fi/fantasy, computer games, any unusual hobbies concealed until you’ve known people for a few months. Anything nerdly or out of the ordinary that’s put fragrantly on display right away will cause people to judge you quickly.”
or be confident of your tastes and preferences and select your company on that basis, rather than striving to be accepted by a bunch of Katy Perry fans. Fuck em.
We often can’t choose who we must associate with.(ie. work, school)
Fitting one’s square peg into a round hole is a thankless task but it is preferable to being stuck in a cage with hostiles(school) or getting fired(work).
The key is compartmentalization.
As a rule of thumb, If I must tailor myself to someone, I keep them well away from my inner circle. My primary goal is to defuse them as a threat, not to make them a friend.
Your ideas are definitely superb. But I am not very sure as to how to implement them in my life. Currently I am very asocial and my social life is limited to my workplace and work acquantainces. I have been through chronic depression through most part of my life. Only slowly I am making progress.
Your posts definitely speak the hard hitting truth. But it also makes me immensely sad that the world outside is so hostile and the doors remain so firmly locked, that we have to literally work our way out to get in. You were correct in one of your earlier posts stating that “The new mentality more resembles that of a royal court full of scheming—a place where only the clever and well-connected survive.”
It almost seems that genuine, good natured, broad minded people are almost condemned and reviled. Everyone out there is just involved in a mad rat race where stopping for a while and contemplating seems a laughable idea. And the result of the mad race is still nothing but just a small piece of land in a mass society, where the individual will continue to be a small drop in a large ocean of people.
At times I wonder whether we belong to an endangered species. Has the dirty law of evolution written us off? You may call me wishful but I sincerely hope that the world will give us our genuine place under the sun where we can carve a niche for oursleves.
Aditya – I can’t disagree with anything you wrote, but I still see some benefit in (cliche warning) “doing as the Romans do.”
Many of these people whose behavior we criticize are genuinely nice people, though collectively they do sometimes make you want to stick a fork in your eye…..
One trick I picked up from an Ian Fleming story is to answer questions with monosyllables that are not actual words, but which signal that you have heard the other person and you are waiting for him to talk more.
You can even follow this up with a declarative sentence encouraging more talk.
For example:
A: Did you see how those Lakers kicked ass?
B: Unn. You saw it.
A: Boy, when Jones hit Kelly at the 44 line…. [bla bla]
I’m surprised that you’ve written a sort of handbook on faking it. If I’m not too horribly depressed, faking it is the natural thing to do. Smile and grunt for the required amount of minutes. On days (or months or years) I can’t fake it, then I don’t care anyway. If there are no common interests, it’s not interaction, it’s submission. But I guess you don’t figure this out until after your high school years are over.
It’s not that I think most people are awful or mean or even stupid, many people are clever in their own ways, but that doesn’t make them interesting. But getting people to like you isn’t as important as you liking them.
I’ve never been fired or bullied (except by my siblings) for being different or not being part of the group (but I’ve quit jobs because of it), but career paths I’ve pursued are those where I could work by myself (I didn’t realize this until later in life). I’ve tried to seek out people I could talk to all my life but they don’t come along often. I’m not smart enough to fit into the intellectual set but refuse to dumb myself down to average so I’ve pretty much accepted a lifetime of loneliness and not letting on who I am. I guess I’m up for a lifetime underachievement award.
I listened to your radio interview today. It was fascinating to hear you speak. The truth is I’d like to interview you myself. I hope you’ll ask the moderator to fix the word “cacooning” in the text unless it’s perhaps a word I’ve never heard of.
Find an Outlet,
I didn’t know Uncle Gluon is heard on radio. If yes, then on which channel? Even I would like to hear his voice. Will it broadcast in my country (India).Many times I even wanna talk to some of you guys, maybe voice chat. If you guys are up, please let me know.
Aditya-
Reason Radio Network, a blog for Whites.
http://reasonradionetwork.com/20120111/the-stark-truth-interview-with-giovanni-dannato
I thought the interview was painful. Stark’s voice is obnoxious. But respect, Giovanni, for having your act together.
I love your insights. I just find it too bad that any of us (as people, not just as a person who may fit into a certain category) may feel we have to work/hide who we are in order to fit in or feel accepted by anyone. Diversity is one of the coolest most interesting things and “social norms” or judgements (whether perceived or not) can take so much away from that.
You have to wonder how many people are hiding awesome interests, talents, traits, etc. in order to “fit in.” Maybe if more of us weren’t afraid to just be ourselves we could find true acceptance and appreciation from those who actually matter.
your grasp on basic social concepts is fundamental and flawed, though it’s nice you’re trying
Ok. What are some of these fundamental flaws?
“though it’s nice you’re trying”
You realize that comes across as rather patronizing? Do I get a pat on the head?
Uh-
One thing I would like to say that many ideas that have been formed on this site can apply to a different races and nationalities of people in this world, and need not be limited just to whites. Myself for that matter, am not a white American, yet can find a lot of similarities.