Women Introverts

I’m writing this as a male, I welcome introvert females who want to comment, add to, or correct me on this matter.

To begin with, women introverts are rarer than their male counterparts.  Or at least, those women considered introverted are still considerably more social in nature than their male counterparts.

I’ve met a few in my lifetime who really fit the description.  In general they had a horrible time growing up,  same as males, but the nature of their experience was quite different.

Because truly introverted behavior is so unusual in women, it begets some truly nasty reactions.  Every pair of parents wants and expects their daughter to be bright, happy, social, and cheerful.  Little girls are expected to be pleasing and put a warm fuzzy feeling in everyone’s(especially daddy’s) tummy.  Everyone wants their little girl to be  a golden girl.  Most girls step right into this role with glee and thrive on the attention they’re given.

Yet now that I’ve met introvert females I’ve seen the special treatment and attention girls get has its sinister side.  There quite simply is no place for girls who behave differently or who don’t fulfill their narrow expectations.  Such girls are thought of us as ‘strange’ and are kept out of sight for fear of shame while sunny extroverts are flaunted.  Some parents are understanding, but the introvert girls I’ve known have had at least one parent who reacted negatively to them from a young age.

Most introverted girls tell me that they don’t get along well with other girls, least of all the social hostesses, soccer moms, and sorority girls.

Like men, they endured a lot of teasing from both sexes while growing up.

While introvert men are shut away entirely from the world of romance and relationships, introvert girls just end up in bad relationships because of low self esteem during their teenage years.

Unlike other girls who keep making this same mistake all their lives, an introvert woman’s heart hardens and she learns her lesson quickly.  She becomes one of those rare and precious women who isn’t chasing millionaires and movie stars.

Introvert women are much more pragmatic and analytical than other women, more so than most men.  They value fairness in a relationship and treasure the quality of a relationship over the material things that can be extracted from it.

While many women speak loudly and rapidly, introvert women tend to speak more slowly and deliberately.  They love spending time outdoors and wear less makeup than other women.

They have a deep appreciation for spells of silence and natural beauty.

They are often superb writers with a lot of creativity and flair for describing the details.

Introvert women always amaze me because they basically contradict everything male cynics have said for centuries.

The sad thing is that most of them, even as adults don’t understand just how precious they are.

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110 responses to “Women Introverts

  1. The lower frequency of female introverts is due to less of them on the far right of the bell curve – which is interesting because whereas high IQ men tend to have less testosterone than the average man, high IQ women have higher testosterone than the average woman. Doesn’t this combination seem to describe the upper middle class yuppies?

    • I hate the Bell Curve therefore I will not comment either here or there on it. However is there a stat that shows how men introverted women there are to men? In addition, there are many popular blogs out there by introverted women such as quikyalone and the intorverts corner. The comments are packed with introverted women. You should check it out and get a more diverse understanding of introversion. It is not simply based on IQ.

    • I wonder if this is true. very attractive women score higher on iq tests so i wonder if they have more testosterone because beauty in women is linked to female hormones like oestrogen. Very attractive men also score higher on iq tests so they are more likely to have higher male hormones. Maybe there is some supergene that makes people both beautiful and intelligent.

  2. This post surprised me. I had just about given up reading on account of not being able to relate to any of your posts about the difficulties men face when dealing with women. The female stereotypes you described felt wrong, if not completely offensive.

    I’m a female introvert — very introvert.

    I’m sure everyone has difficult times growing up, but my childhood was by no means horrible. I have amazing parents, who are also introverts. I was always encouraged to be happy, pleasant, and social, but I was never forced.

    While encouragement from parents, teachers, and friends often felt more like nagging (or worse), I’m glad I was exposed to some level of ‘social pressure’ as a kid. In a perfect world, I wouldn’t need the adaptive skills I’ve acquired, but it isn’t perfect, so I do, and I’m glad that I’m not completely socially awkward.

    I had both male and female friends growing up. I still do, although being in a male-dominated field has shifted that a little bit as I’ve grown up.

    I find it interesting that you assume female introverts have low self-esteem. I’m pretty sure I don’t have that problem. I’m pretty sure most of the female introverts I know don’t either :)

    I don’t wear makeup. There’s something phony about it, it feels unnatural, and costs a lot in time and money. I might reconsider when men start wearing it too.

    I don’t think consider myself a superb writer, and I certainly don’t write details with any flair, but I do tend to notice and appreciate details in general.

    I’ve always found extrovert people and activities unpleasant and tiring, but unfortunately the world is full of them. I think it’s important that introverts learn to deal with it in their own ways. Often the best way is avoidance, but it shouldn’t always be the case. While living as an introvert often feels unjust, it’s unreasonable to expect extroverts to understand everything about introverts, let alone read our minds. However unnatural and difficult it is, introverts need to be part of society. We need to learn to talk to and engage with extroverts.

    • Thank you for tuning in, Hannah.

      Most female introverts I’ve known were very insecure back in high school but have since become far stronger than those who put them down.
      And yes it comes as no surprise that you’re not completely socially awkward. As I’ve mentioned, that level of severity is mainly a guy thing. Ladies in general seem to have the advantage in social situations.

      Female introverts I’ve talked to have had female friends, but not many of them and they rarely gather in huge groups like other women do. They are often more comfortable around men or working in a field that attracts primarily males. The life and death concerns of other women such as fashion and makeup can be hard for them to empathize with.
      Their aesthetic appreciation often translates into highly skilled writing with lots of insightful description.

      Yes, we have to interact with extroverts because the world is full of them. That’s life. Just because we’re forced to interact with them at jobs/school doesn’t mean we’re part of their society.
      Yes, we need to be part of a society since humans are social creatures. Ideally this society should not be unnatural or difficult but nurturing. When a social group fails in its support role, human beings start looking elsewhere.

      There is not much room for actually explaining our true natures to extroverts.
      Keeping them in a situation where they ‘read our minds’ is ideal. That way they think of us as having their same fundamental assumptions and motives.
      Past a certain point, it becomes increasingly difficult and dangerous to engage with extroverts because all the basic differences in world view and personal preference start to come out.

    • So, how does a man love a woman who is an introvert? I think a missread some of my partners signals, assuming she wanted to be alone because of me, not her need to be alone, She told me she was an introvert? Signals, how does an intovert women say ” I love you”

  3. Philosophyforums.

    I Am MaxVilly.

    Introverion are to me one meaning, to me, that I am comfortable to live alone in far longer take-offs through time.

    I feel I have now rid most pressure on what “Iam”, and others. Less of the Introvert, vs. Extrovert.

    Because it’s not fair to me, to categorize in this broad aspects.

    Some people I just do not want to hang around. It might be becasue they have a certain life style that I am not intrested in living. (party, meeting up, conversations about..well…less important subjets.)

    The world is now a malware of destructive news, and it’s over the top. /western societies speaking.

    I start to get the psychological aspects of extroverts and introverts.

    It may just seem as we are different. But both have weaknesses.

    My biggest fear, is to lose my self awareness, and the critical thought aspect in me, as I value.

    It may just be two different ways to look at life. At the same time, we live in our own type of circus.

    We can judge others, stand their and watch their stupidity or try to make them change and think different about acts or how “we” think.

    Most people are followers. Only a few % are leaders, another tiny % speakers, with manipulative traits. The second, not to confuse with Evil.

    I believe there’s good in every one of us. It is just a matter of “thinking” and to sell the good thought, to those who fear.

    Now to Topic. Females.

    Females who are extroverted can call themself introvert in their lack of inseight in their own self being.

    It is not to thumb down, on Hannah J.

    But women, seems to have a harder time to categorize people, and objects. They seems to let things go a lot quicker, than what men do.

    Hannah?? :)

    I have my job as in amateur photograhpy.

    But when I ask what females believe are shown to them on an image, they are incapable of getting it right. (abstract, details,) – With this mentioned I am for certain sure the majority of females are this way, but a tiny % of females seems to be detail orginated, too.

    As extroverted women seems to run their mind on complete auto-pilot and sometimes get lost on superficial and meaningless beliefs.

    The opposite to that for men. I have no clue really.
    They are just dull and boring, I guess…maybe that’s the fake maley men, you know “damn pussy, kick that football, kid!” :)

    As Oprah tv work as an example to medial destruction. Her tvshows has thumbed down the ones wise to become women, and leave them dumber off, than if there was no “O”

    I can never think of an life with an extrovert partner. I detest flakyness. Not just in men, but women, too.

    What I want is class & brains. Somebody who have their feet on nature, as mentioned in your article.

    Women who do NOT care about what everybody else are doing, and money.

    Self-independet women. Without having to show off that “they are self-independance”.

    That’s what the extroverts women seems to, do. Well of course, women need encouragement too. Maybe that’s what missing, in this type of age. From men.

    Peace.

    Johan

    • Nice to see you again Max. I trust things are well in Sweden?

      Your concern about having a flaky partner who is slave to mass media fashions is quite real.

      Being in a relationship with someone who subscribes to the larger culture can be very destructive. They can bring in a lot of influences into one’s life that could be normally avoided. They are by nature a weakness and liability in one’s life. A proper partner should be a source of strength!

      Above all, the thought of a pop-woman raising my kids, especially a daughter, horrifies me. She would expose the kids to everything I would want to keep them safe from, everything about the modern culture I despise.

      I’ve seen families who minimize their kids’ exposure to the larger popular culture. Invariably these kids turn out to be more mellow, more respectful, nicer, and happier all around.

  4. I am an introverted female, and I agree with many of the points that unclegluon made. For one thing, I have never really been bright, happy, and cheerful. Yeah, there are times when I feel really good and I show happiness, but for the most part, I am a moody, depressive person. I don’t take my moods out on others, unless I am really annoyed, but I also don’t put on a show for people by acting cheerful and smiling for other peoples benefit. I just have never been able to do that. And I’ve never really gotten along well with other girls for very long. I remember, in elementary school, I formed friendships with a click of tight-knit girls right away, when I was a new student. They welcomed me to their group and I felt good about that, but at the same time, I didn’t have much in common with any of them. And by the end of that school year, I maintained a couple of the friendships but I was no longer part of the group the way I was at the beginning of the school year, because my personality was just different. And ever since then, it’s always been the same kind of experience with girls that I have met in my academic career and in social situations. The only women that I am ever really friendly with are the ones who seem laid back and openminded and don’t make a big deal over everything and are also caring and genuinely friendly. But I’ve never felt comfortable around very extroverted girls or very extroverted women. What I find with the very extroverted ones is that they tend to dominate the social environment and they want everyone to look at them.

    Also, I used to write alot when I was younger and I find that I communicate best in writing, as many introverts do. I actually want to write a book at some point, but I am battling depression right now, and I don’t have the motivation or drive to be able to do it at this time.

  5. I am a female introvert and I find that it is not acceptable for you to be a woman and spend time alone. I recently moved and my husband’s friends and family, who live in the area, do not understand that I CAN NOT be attached at their hips. It drains me to the point where I need rest. Even my husband, who had no problem with me being and introvert when we lived near my family is now asking why I can not spend time with people.
    I had this same problem with my first and second marriage. I was labeled the family snob or lazy. I made sure to talk to him about this when we first met. He was happy to have someone who was not hanging off of him all the time. I even had a heart to heart about being an introvert with my current husband and his family before I moved near them. They made all of the “we understand” gestures but immediately started in with the hard press for me to conform.
    I have lived here about 7 months and I have slipped into such a depression that I am giving serious thought to packing up and moving away, with or with out my husband.
    I have always needed the alone time to function. I don’t feel that my self esteem is any lower than most people. I have always enjoyed writing, and being in nature gives me a boost to the system. I did grow up with a family were it was better not to be seen or heard. When I am in public or a social situation, I do well for short periods of time. I get a lot of flack when I’m ready to leave early. I usually end up staying and faking it until my jaw is hurting from smiling.
    In my opinion, it is easier for a man to be and introvert. He can always play up that strong silent type thing. Introvert women are dislike and mistrusted by people. In modern society women are still expected to be super moms, helpful daughter in laws, and cut throat business women. All of those things require a lot of social effort to be labeled as socially successful.
    Social climbing women really dislike us. We don’t fall over ourselves to compete to be part of their bake sales and car pools. I have always been the girl who thought for herself and took her own path. Socially, it is a hard life for women introverts.
    My dream is to have a business I can run from home. I would like to move to a small cabin in the woods, take walks in nature and enjoy being me. I do not think I am meant to have a marriage.

    • Since women are expected to be uniformly vivacious and outgoing it is no surprise that a female introvert would run into such troubles.

      I notice that women form into groups within minutes whether the first day of college, the social time after a Sunday service, or a night club.
      I hadn’t realized until your response, that part of the reason girls instantly group up is that any who fail to go along will be crushed. No middle ground between cutthroat competition and ostracism. To some extent, this phenomenon exists in all social groups. I call it The False Choice of Participation

      I also notice that there usually is an alpha female at the center of a group busily coordinating all the bake sales, convening knitting circles, or organizing a protective network of human shields around her at the night club. Anyone she points a finger at, even a member of her circle instantly becomes subject to the group’s aggression.

      I once had the misfortune to cross such a lady once at a church service. I was just tagging along with some
      Christian friends of mine that morning and I didn’t want to just be freeloading at their after-service luncheon. So I made some cookies from my Mom’s recipe that morning and brought them fresh out of the oven and with all the chocolate chips still melty.
      As I was about to put down my cookies at the table, a middle-aged woman swept into the room and took one look at my cookies. They’re a crowd pleaser once people taste them, but there is nothing ornate about them. Plus they were on a paper plate inside a plastic gallon bag to keep the chocolate chips from cooling off. A look of disgust and contempt crossed her face. No cute sprinkles on the cookies I could see her thinking, not even served up on a platter or porcelain dish.
      “They’re not Chinese.” she grandly pronounced. “Everything today must be Chinese.”
      Apparently the ladies of this church competed for bids to bring food on Sundays. Her meal was Chinese-themed apparently and she saw my attempt to contribute as a pitiful attempt at competition. Especially pitiful coming from a man, a creature beneath feminine status struggles.
      In a far too sweet voice and with a tight facial expression she ordered me to take my cookies out of that room with sentences that grammatically we would call requests. The air nearly crackled with her hostility and I wondered if having stepped unwittingly into the female status system, I had experienced a glimpse of what goes on regularly between women.

      • unclegluon, you’re right about the alpha female at the center of a group This is the one who definitely feels like she is running the show, and it is quite obvious what her mentality is. She thinks of herself as the one who is adored by the rest of the group. I worked with a woman like that, and I also had the misfortune of crossing her, because I found her to be highly annoying.

      • A question that has perplexed me: Why are girls so submissive to someone who is bossy and annoying? Why are they content to be ruled over by a ‘strong’ person. Because they need someone to give them direction and belonging?
        Alpha males can’t be as overtly bossy to their underlings or they’ll have a mutiny on their hands. They tend to treat lower ranked men as little brothers and put them in their place by acting ‘big’ and slapping the smaller guy on the back. It’s a careful balance, because if they make other guys lose too much face, they won’t be alpha for long.
        Thus the female situation perplexes me all the more. If the alpha female decides she likes/doesn’t like someone the entire group of girls follows along with her instantly and without question. Why such slavish dedication? The lead woman doesn’t even have to say anything or snap her fingers. The other girls instantly key in on her facial expression and body language and follow suit. Is this kind of collection action just instinctual among girls?

    • I dealt with the same issue! You are not alone. What bothers me the most is that as a society we have a tendency to consider ourselves as ones who value “independence” and “individuality” which is obviously a falsehood. We do not value this one bit and we base someone’s value on how many friends they have and he said, she said. The strength of the introvert is being able to resist “groupthink” and walk to the beat of his or her own drum. Thinking of this is the only thing that keeps me going when dealing with societal misconceptions around who I am.

  6. When I hear all of the stuff about women bonding and being able to form friendships forever I just want to scream. Both men and women can find friends that they are friends with for life. Women tend to pack and turn vicious. You are correct about there usually being one lead female who swings her power around like a sledge hammer.
    When I was in first grade I made the social killing mistake of making friends with a girl who wore a leg brace. Until then I was accepted easily into the popular girls. We all know what it means to be a popular girl. I was taught a lesson, if the group makes fun of someone and you stand up for them then you are the new person they pick on.
    I moved a lot as a kid and found that I was accepted quickly into popular groups until they learned I was an introvert who did not go along with making other people feel like crap or have a need to socialize like sheep.
    I even went into the social service profession. I thought I would be helping people but I found that all of the evil chicks from high school went into social services and became upper management. I’ve also ran into a huge number of these women in the teaching profession. After five years of working with social services I am drained. I even moved to a new state and found it was worse. I was expected to conform and place people with money and connections above people with needs. I was to socialize with lawyers and the Judge as if I was in 1950’s aristocratic south. They acted like working for social services meant you was a member of a social club and you should act like a socialite in the community. I stood up to the pack and watched as my reputation was destroyed and I was terminated. I worked there 5 months. Add that to new friends and relatives wanting me to conform to their social lives and I am ready to run away and become a hermit.
    I am now done with social services and I want to stay even more isolated. Now I am looking for a new career path that will allow me as much alone time as possible.

    • I’ve heard the glibly pronounced ‘friends forever’ line multiple times from girls who just met each other a few hours ago. I can understand your frustration in this respect because the ladies that cast this line about seem as though they’re ironically among the least likely to form lasting friendships.

      Every work environment also becomes a social environment, especially in professions in which socially oriented people predominate. This harsh truth has caused me to wonder, would an organization full of less-social individuals be more focused on achieving the organization’s stated goals? Would social politicking and bureaucratic scuffles be mind-numbingly typical in an introvert workplace? Are people skills so valuable mostly because most people are extroverts?

      As with bars, each profession attracts a certain very specific sort of person. I’m beginning to suspect that knowing the type of person a given job attracts might be most important to long term success in that field.

      I too have walked into jobs where doing the job was secondary to winning the social scene. Naturally I didn’t fit in. I really try hard just to keep my head down when I’m on the job and not stand up against the pack. Yet not fitting in, not going through the social motions seems to be considered as nothing less than brazen defiance.
      Every socially oriented group I’ve encountered has made it abundantly clear: There is no middle ground, you can’t get by with a bare minimum, you have to completely devote yourself or be expelled. It’s so discouraging that I have trouble even bothering any more.

      I often wonder if these people have hobbies, non-work friends, private time, or if they ever stop to enjoy a book. Obviously not since it does not occur to them in the slightest that I have things I’d rather be doing than company socialization.

      I notice that a lot of us want to go off and live as hermits after a lifetime of frustration with the Loud majority of humanity. Thus, I’ve wondered if there were a solution, whether it might be to have an organization of Subtle people who support each other in hermitude and/or provide social support. One way or another, we obviously need defenses against the hostile mass society.

    • Tell me about it! As far back as I could remember, I was always the one to stand up for myself. I never wanted to be controlled or bossed around. What is the purpose of having your own mind and free will if you were never going to use it? Unbeknownst to me, this was social treason and suicide! I began to believe their was something wrong with me when problems would seem to just follow me everywhere. Then I realized that, I was simply different and I would say, more sophisticated when it came to how I socialized and what I accepted from others.

      I developed a love for the arts quickly on in life. It was my outlet. I did music, visual arts and dance. I developed a non-superifical love for fashion and while I freelance in the industry, I despise it! The people are shallow and superficial. There is an appointed “in person” that everyone must fall in line with. You must suck up to get ahead. It had less to do with what you knew than who you knew. I’m barely hanging on at this point.

      I have since cultivated my writing skills. I may become a journalist after all.

      Introverts from what I have read have a terrible time in the workplace if they are in the wrong enviornment. I have had nightmares especially while in undergrad working in high end retail. I was accused of either being “boring”, “standoffish” or “snobby”. One person even accused me of being a “Loner” for refusing to attend happy hours. I had nothing in common with these people and had to endure them all day. I had a good circle of friends and was not desperate for social acceptance. I had bosses act strange with me as well because of this and gossip with other workers. I am surprised daily that this occurs in a variety of workplaces.

      Once again, thank God for modern technology and freelancing.

  7. Mutinies also happen in the female society. It is much like with the males; we just find a equally strong minded and domineering female to follow in our mutiny of the first “head” female.
    I would like to be able to say that women follow the dominant female because we have been socialized to respect and obey authority. But I can’t. That might have been truth in before the 60’s and 70’s but women have left that behind for the most part. No, I believe it’s all about being loved, and society tells us that to be loved by most we must be one of the beautiful people, which means being “in with the in crowd.” To stay in you must obey the top dog. Even extrovert women who consider themselves not part of the in crowd will find a group they want to belong to and they will obey their rules in order to be a member in good standing.
    Most of the actions women take are to make them liked by other women. Think of it this way, often chicks ask guys if they look good in an outfit. The guys don’t give a flip about the color of the outfit or if it is this years latest thing. Women dress, style their hair, drive the right car,sign their kids up for the right activity, and even name their children in accordance to what other women like. I don’t know many women who lost sleep that their father in law did not complement them on how clean their kitchen looked, but if a mother in law runs her finger across your kitchen counters it will freak a woman out. It’s all in appearances.
    Most women will pass over marrying a wonderful man because he does not make a lot of money or have the looks of Brad Pit. Why? Because of other women’s opinions. What will their girlfriends say if she marries the guy who is bald, works a regular nine to five job and dresses up for star trek conventions? A women will drop a guy based on a friend’s opinion even if that same guy is perfect for her. Some of us grow out of it with age, but most women don’t. It’s a sad fact of life.

    • I couldn’t agree more. I would also like to offer up the fact that some men particularly younger men are the same way. I will tell you one story:

      While in college, there was this guy who obviously liked me. As a women who neither throws herself onto men nor exudes stereotypical female behavior, I simply waited around for him to approach or give a heads up. I am not intimidating or have high standards. Months later he approaches me in the middle of a crowded cafe and made it obvious so I was not as open or willing as I would have been or planned to be. He did it in front of his friends who sat their glaring at me. We went out once and had what I considered a good time then he began to drift and act funny. I was able to find out through the grapevine that his friends did not like me. It was part of the reason why he took so long to approach.They had the usual small-minded perception of me that many have of introverted women. They saw me as some bitchy boring loner (the complete opposite of my personality). Of course, he listened to them. If they were around, he would not even have the decency to acknowledge my presence. So I left him alone. It was soon there after when he began dating a girl who I realized was in the “in crowd”. He got the go ahead from friends who saw her as social, outgoing and fun. I knew her and realized she was the exact opposite. She was needy, shallow, superficial, untrustworthy and gossipy. Everything from his “cheap gifts” (as she put it) to his sexual performance became public knowledge. I’m an empathetic person so in the midst of enjoying my internalized (yay introverts!) laugh, I did feel slightly sorry for him.

      • I’ve had men think the same thing about me and it’s annoying nowadays because I’m actually a very caring and sensitive person. I may be quiet but I know who I am. I’m not shy but I’m not flamboyant either. It’s like this post I read on a wonderful blog by an introverted woman called “Introvert Spring”, our society values charisma over character. Back then I didn’t know what it was about some of those loud girls who were also gossipy and shallow but hearing your story I understand it now.

  8. Frankly,masturbation’s enough for me.
    It gets too complicated when you involve another person to satisfy a simple
    empty sexual desire.

    • It’s good that you’re pretty much satisfied with masturbation. That eliminates the whole problem right there. And it is, of course, perfectly ethical.

      I have introvert friends who are the same way, but sooner or later, I think, a man needs a deeper satisfaction. Otherwise, sex workers wouldn’t have that much business.

  9. Thanks for your blog. Speaking as a fellow introvert, I think there are plenty of us, but because we have learned to “CYA” as female introverts, we aren’t as noticeable, perhaps. Many of us have high IQs, too, and I can tell you, having come of age in the mid 1970s, many was the time I was instructed to “tone down” my vocabulary, not “show off” my intelligence,” etc., because “people don’t feel comfortable around “smart” females,” and all that other nonsense. Guys, if you want to understand what we as women have to put up with in female-dom, I recommend the book “In the Company of Women” which not only describes working with women (and written by women for other women) but accurately describes the whole socialization process and unspoken “rules” that govern female social life. “Our” rules are very different from “guy’s rules.”

    • I looked up the book on amazon and it looks intriguing. Thank you for the recommendation.
      There’s lots of books that analyze the behavior of women in the isolated context of 20 something women in bars and nightclubs. There’s not that much out there for guys on understanding women as a whole based on their overall socialization process and social experience.

      Is the whole stigma on smart women just a female competition thing? My friends and I all adore smart girls. I’m in a relationship with one, actually. Or are ‘Correctly’ socialized men really like that?

  10. Hi,
    This can be taken to extremes. I am introverted and less energetic then my extrovert friend. Yet, introverts do have blind spots just like the extroverts…I guess…One danger is to think we are geniuses :)

    • Many of my articles address the weak points and blind spots of introverts. For instance: anything regarding conventional social interactions.

      People functioning at the genius level tend to be introverts, even though introverts are a minority of the overall population. Why is this dangerous?
      Yet geniuses are notorious for having significant weaknesses when it comes to getting through every day life. One can overthink things.

      Why do you imply that geniuses and blind spots are mutually exclusive?
      Supposing that we were aware that we might have blind spots, what should we do? Stop saying anything because of a chance it might be flawed? This possibility never stopped an extrovert. At some point one must acknowledge that some kind of personal bias is inescapable.

      • In my experience, no matter how smart we are, we are all stupid about something! The smartest introverts that I know are both intelligent and modest! Perhaps this is simply a corollary of “The more I learn, the more I realize how little I know.”

  11. I would assume that the reason for an introvert’s aversion to social interaction is the fact that past experience has made us quite aware that the majority of the participants are unable to relate to the content of our conversation. Small talk is an art not easily mastered by someone who thinks that mundane thoughts should not be voiced. Why should I state that it looks like it may rain in the interest of creating conversation? I am more than happy to let an extrovert take the lead on things of this nature and I do admire their skill to do so. I would rather speak to someone who can provide a beneficial conversation where I walk away with something to ponder. Since I find that individuals of this caliber are few and far between, I am not willing to waste my time involving myself in social interactions. The time expended versus the benefit received is not logical. Introversion is not only my nature, it’s the reasonable conclusion based on experience. However, this forum does seem to have the potential to provide intellectual stimulation so I am willing to make the effort because the outcome may be beneficial.

    • That’s just the trick isn’t it? How does one master something one sees as a waste of time? We tend to do as little rote socializing as we can while still getting by. Getting by just is not good enough to make it for very long. Unwilling and unable to relinquish everything that is meaningful to us, we end up on the margins every time.

      I imagine that as social creatures we all talk our heads off in the right company. Hard to do when someone is boring me with talk about ‘last night’s game.’ As difficult as the art of small talk is to master, its focus is narrow and predictable. I sometimes wonder if the person who’s talking at me could pass the Turing test.

  12. Sidenote: The point of my previous post is that introversion does not have to be synonymous with depression or the stigma of seriousness. There are advantages to being introverted. Society has beaten us into submission and made us embarrassed of our nature. We concede and hide in the shadows because we bought into the idea that WE are the outcasts. Semantics are the only thing perpetuating this line of thought. Extroverts don’t make concessions and apologize for their nature but because they are the majority, they are accepted as the social standard. Since introversion is my nature, the best thing I can do is accept it with grace.

    • Regrettably, even those introverts who have fully come to terms with themselves find that the majority does not agree with their assessment. Is it concession that causes us to hide in the shadows or compulsion? My experience strongly suggests the latter.

      You won’t see any apologies for introversion here. I started this blog precisely because most of the few introvert sites I could find were of the “It’s OK to be an introvert” school. I believe that the rule of extroverts is an arbitrary tyranny of the majority. There’s nothing special or legitimate about their customs and standards. In fact, I believe we should do what we can to dissolve their power over our lives.

  13. Let’s see…as a kid, my teachers always commented on how quiet I was…or asked me out of the blue if I was okay.
    I have a big brother who is an extravert, so when I came around, they regarded some of my behaviors as just totally bizarre. Something interesting happened to me between college and adulthood…I became a newspaper reporter. Pretending to be one of THEM became an artform to me. As long as I could go home after a work day, dim the lights, slip on my robe, and read — or what films on cable, I could keep up the pretense. It was fun, actually. I’m an introvert and proud, but I don’t believe in giving myself away while on the job. You slip on a suit to go to work, right? Well, I also slipped on a functional persona too. This persona is me…just not the me I keep all to myself. I’ve always had both girl and guy pals….I just don’t need too many at any given time. I could always find at least one other chick who is like me or is okay with my sensibilities. One should not stereotype extraverted women however, they don’t all chase perfect alpha males…that’s an unfair assumption. I myself have walked away from relationships when I realized my need for alone would not be respected. I tell men I plan on seeing not to be offended by my need to be alone. Many pretend to understand, until the honeymoon phase is over…then they demand more attention. I don’t feel comfortable playing mother to a boyfriend, so I opt to keep on stepping. Women, often, are expected to put others first….which I find ridiculous. I’m a selfish wench because I need time to read? Please. This is the area in which female introverts are given hell. Alone time is selfish. The very definition of nuture implies that we have to be taking care of someone else all the time. I’m certainly willing to protect and help the ones I love, but I’m not willing to loose all of my privacy and alone time to do it. That is too much to ask. Alpha females? Yeah, I’ve met a few….they don’t scare me in the least because I know how vulnerable they are to criticism. I feel sorry for them, actually, they don’t really have power over an introvert, since their acceptance isn’t important to us. Alpha males don’t know I exist….that’s because I don’t need them as badly as they need to be needed.

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  15. I’m a female introvert who married into a family of extroverts, and even after 20 years, they don’t get it. They say they do, and five minutes later ask if I’m okay. Sometimes I feel as if I’ve been stranded on an alien planet. There are so many things the family thinks a “normal” woman does, that I DON’T – including talking for hours on the phone, socializing at church, and hosting large dinners for everyone I ever met. Even my husband, who should know me by now, complains that I “don’t talk”. (Don’t know why it took him so long to notice this…) His family cannot fathom a person having a need to be alone. My husband has also commented on my lack of friends, but I have no interest in sitting around with a bunch of superficial women dressed in the latest fashions (in order to compete with each other) talking about how they are SO TIRED of having a year-old car when they’re entitled to a new one, how badly they need a vacation because all they do is take care of other people (yeah, right), and how fantastic their new hairdresser is. No wonder I feel like an alien – – I AM an alien!

  16. This may be the most accurate description I have read to date of my introversion.

    I had a rough time growing up. But mine was not due to my parents’ expectations; it was the interactions at school or any social function outside my safe home.

    I am now 53 years old, and I have learned to embrace extroversion to a certain extent (but strictly on my terms), especially after my extremely introverted husband died 10 years ago. That sudden event marked a turning point in my life (death has a habit of doing that).

    Before that, I had many male friends, rarely any female. I now have some female friends, but they are not soccer moms, etc. They are usually women that have no other friends – kinda different like me.

    Some qualities you mentioned that I learned from my introversion and have retained all my life – thankfully (I like who I am): pragmatic, analytical, value fairness and quality in relationships. I love the outdoors, silence, beauty and I spend every free moment in creativity: brewing beer, making wine, creative cooking, writing, yoga. I am a mathematician by trade, so, of course I love details: in numbers, physics, all of nature. And then I love fitting all the details into patterns.

    Thank you for this beautiful post – you do make me feel precious.
    debi

  17. I am also a female introvert. Thank you for writing this blog, I feel very at home reading the posts and can relate to a lot of the points raised.

    Many of the points raised within the above discussion, about group dynamics within extroverted people, particularly between women, is something I have experienced recently when I was living in halls of residence. I always kept to myself, and stayed in my room unless I had to cook or go out out for shopping, lectures or solitary walks. My flatmates seemed to have a problem with me for doing this, and received some harsh treatment particularly from the other female members of the group (there were 8 people altogether).

    One night one particular girl, after a group of of them got back from a club at 3am, decided to scream at me from outside my room door. She shouted all sorts of profanities at me, including the statement that I was a “raving psycho”. At first I thought she was shouting at someone through a phone but realized she was directing her anger at me when she started banging and kicking at my door. I believe she was particularly intoxicated at the time, but I think the underlying reason was that she couldn’t understand the fact that I didn’t want to talk to her and give her the attention she wanted. This person was a particularly obnoxious loud person and would sing and scream even when not intoxicated.

    Living in that place was not healthy for me, because it forced me to confront social situations at times where I just wanted to be alone, and having to endure others drunken social antics on a frequent basis I found offensive and disgusting.

    Thank you again for writing this blog, and to all the people above who have shared their experiences.

    • I’m superficially social. I can pass as ‘normal’ for anywhere between 15 minutes and half an hour, before I start to crack under the strain of the pretense. People seem to regard me as quite perceptive and I *believe* I read people relatively accurately, but I don’t understand why people *are* the way they are, even though I feel I can see them for *how* they are. I’m abrasive, and intolerant, of small-p-politics and primate dominance games.

      I don’t know whether I’m generally disliked, but I do have at least a little charisma. I’m conscious of when I use it, and when I do, I frequently feel guilty about doing so – it’s manipulation in the raw; ugly, basic, and disturbingly effective.

      I think I’m an introvert with at least basic social skills but not much desire to use them. The desire varies. I have a couple of very close friends and I’m very happy around them. I’m usually much less happy around the majority of the rest of the human race.

      If we’re willing to think of ‘social’ as s simple 2 dimensional continuum, then I’m probably somewhere between your definition of ‘mainstream female introvert’ and some of the more acutely introvert women who have spoken thus far.

  18. I am a female introvert. I agree with a lot of your points about female introverts. This is a very good article that you made. Please keep up the good work.

    • Ha ha.

      I’d think extroverts would be more prone to complaining and arguing in face to face interactions.

      Introverts are going to be more likely to bottle it up and hold a grudge.

      If you wanted to use a loaded term, I suppose you could use the word, ‘sulk.’ Except sulking is a more conspicuous public pouting behavior I’d associate with an extrovert trying to get their way. Sitting in the corner looking gloomy/scowling is a means of fishing for sympathy and getting attention.
      Most introverts will try to hide feelings of irritation and anger. The closest thing you’re going to find to a quality introvert sulk is a few blogs and discussion boards.
      Except, most of these sites are aimed at a primarily introvert audience. Most introverts aren’t going to lobby for the attention of the larger population. We’re not going to go on talk shows and shout to the world how ‘oppressed’ we are. Actually, most of us would dread being in the spotlight.

  19. I completely agree with your post (as with most of the sentiments expressed by fellow introverts).

    I’ve always had a hard time in social settings since I was a kid. As in our culture (I am from the Philippines) women/girls are suppossed to be the ‘emotional bedrock’ of the society. We are supposed to be nurturing, kind all that. I am not a bad person, I’m not just as social as most women are expected to be (and I get a lot of undue flak for not being talkative or “accomodating”). I’ve always had this little outraged voice in my head saying, “What, I’ve known you for like five minutes, and I’m supposed to act like we’ve been together for 10 years??”

    My parents are both “book” people, my father particularly, the best memories of my childhood mostly concern reading with either my mom or dad. Most people do not understand why I’d rather read than talk about the latest “celebrities” or “gossip” (I’d say I don’t understand why I should have to gossip rather than read?) I’m in no way a snob, if a conversation isn’t in the realm of small talk then I can be quite lively and excited.

    Anyway, most my school years werethe very definition of “hell”. I got bullied around a lot particularly when I was in High School (but it’s either I ignore the lot of them, which usually works or I spend most of my break times in the library – an immense comfort).

    As I entered into the work environment, just after finishing college (where I became semi-popular for my “brains” – something which perplexes me to this day) I continued to encounter the same problems. Co-workers telling me I’m a snobbish, taciturn, cold person (shy was the most positive among the slew of adjectives) just because I do not join them in the lunch time gossip-galore. Or because I absolutely refuse to wear makeup at all (that was from 2003 the year I started working until the end of 2009). I am not friendless however, I found that I have the capability to form lasting friendships with the few people who actually saw me as an interesting individual (they’re mostly artists – one’s a portrait painter like myself and the other an aspiring writer).

    My life has had a few ups and downs but I’ve always thought that my being an introvert has had a huge impact in my being able to bounce back from my problems. I’ve worked as a Technical Support Rep (albeit with a slightly different work description) for quite sometime now (as being a freelance artist in my country would eventually lead to sleeping underneath bridges ;p), and I find that I relish the lack of small talk. Another thing is I enjoy the company of guys more than women. With guys I can can talk about comic books, video games and all that geek stuff without having them look at me like I’ve lost my mind. And when I ask them the question, “do I look ok?” they answer in a very straightforward manner rather than the annoying roundabout answer most women give.

    My not wearing make-up cost me a bit though. As I found that most guys usually look at me as one of the boys (as I am really quite tomboyish) and not really a woman-woman and that I get a lot of look-down from women co-workers (including a friend) who would automatically label me a lesbian. So this year I started wearing makeup (a bit on the goth style as I’ve found it suits my personality). It had a bit of effect but I really couldn’t care less, I just do it to minimize the flak and so they’d leave me alone. It’s like me saying, “Ok so there, I’m a girl, now leave me alone.” I just had my first ever boyfriend this year (at the age of 28) and I found him to be a blessing (we are both geeks and are quite happy). :)
    Finally someone I could take to Star Wars and Comic Conventions with no trouble.

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  21. I feel so behind the curve, having just read this, but nevertheless I found it of my best interest for my own personal satisfaction to tell the author of this piece how very appreciative I am. Your words really spoke to me, almost in a creepy stalker sort of way since after every point you made I had to remind myself you were speaking of the general female-introvert population.(It felt like you were talking about me >.<)
    Erm. Yes. Well, thank you.

  22. It was tough for me, especially since I’m the eldest of three, with parents who hardly know English, coupled with bad experiences in high school. I did well, school-wise, but when it came to social relationships, few and far were made. I acted like the local anthropologist, observing how the girls sat together and listened into their chatter, which to be frank wasn’t interesting to me. I was the archetypical outsider. I felt most comfortable talking to my school counsellor, though :)

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  24. haha… i loved this post. like some of the other people who commented, i thought you were talking about me.

    i always thought i was some kind of freak, and my mother always taught me to be ok with being ‘weird’ and that ‘weird’ was a good thing, which i should embrace, so i always did and still do.

    i’m also used to thinking of myself as a woman encased in a male body, since i don’t like makeup (except to play with it once in a while in a painterly sort of way) or fashion (except to once in a while use it to create certain expressions in a sculpting sort of way), and am perfectly happy being alone, since i’ve always encountered more grief being with people than being without them.

    i would say, i think sometimes female introverts are hidden because they can observe and analyse the female social dynamics with a sort of cool-headed and uninvolved way, to the point of being able to act in the appropriate ways when necessary or even as a sort of social experimentation. i speak for myself when i say this, though i believe i may not be the only one who treats the female social world in the same way.

    also, for me, in spite of being bullied in school and in spite of deciding that people were more trouble than they were worth, i also realise that somehow, i’ve been told that i’m being admired for the very traits that got me bullied in the first place because this ability to disregard female social dynamics and unemotionally analyse things and deal with situations in life that are deemed stressful by most woman, is a very cool thing indeed. Go figure.

  25. this describes me to a T. My mother always was mad me for being quiet and i loved staying indoors writing with my head in books or dreaming. this was not because i was the only girl with 4 extroverted brothers. abused alot as a kid too.

  26. I’m also a very introverted female (from Belgium), currently 19 and almost turning 20. I remember the first time I heard about the concept of “introverts” and “extroverts”, it was extremely liberating to know I wasn’t some kind of “nature’s accident”.

    Up until I was 18 and had the joy of participating in an 8-day school trip to Italy, I had had exactly 0 real friends, only a few superficial ones, and my life had been pretty much entirely miserable (at least, as far as my memories go back). I spent most of my childhood playing video games (gotta catch em all!) alone or with my older brother as a result of my introvertedness. It was a habit to drag my gameboy with me to every social event that’d permit me to take it (like watching my brother play soccer), so I wouldn’t need to play with the other kids.

    Throughout 9 years of elementary school, I was invited to a classmates birthday party one time and one time only. From then on no one ever invited me. Guess I was too different, not gossipy and talkative enough. I preferred to wear sneakers, loose t-shirts and sporty pants because they were just so much more comfortable than jeans and tight shirts. I didn’t see any fault in doing that, but I suppose it wasn’t socially acceptable, and I guess it made me look like a boy. I didn’t really get bullied, since I had an older brother to run off to if someone tried. I was just a loner that was mostly left alone.

    Then came secondary school. Joy.

    Not quite.

    Again I ended up being expelled from the “popular groups” because I was too shy, silent, “boring” (but of course, they were the boring ones), too focused on actually getting good grades and gaining knowledge. Suppose the latter is a foreign concept for quite a number of Loud ones. During those 6 years I had two “friends” that I never saw outside of school, so I suppose they were just people I happened to hang around with and talk to at school. Both were very Loud and it made me feel even more socially inept, weird and unworthy. This feeling of being socially inept grew stronger and stronger as I had to keep dealing with these social situations I simply couldn’t deal with, so most of the time I failed and pretty much withdrew completely. I turned to MMORPGs as a form of escapism. My life basically consisted of two things: school (the lessons, homework, tests and exams part, which I aced with little effort) and hiding myself in online games. I was even pretty much cut off from my entire family, as my mother had a terrible bond with 90% of them. On top of that the situation inside the house was pretty unhealthy as well, two parents not getting along, growing apart more each day, a mother that constantly shouts and orders you around… It was a very depressing time in my life. I ended up in a state where during the day I would think about going online after school, as if that was where my life was. There I actually conversed with people, I had friends, I had enemies, I felt alive.
    True escapism.

    Thankfully I’ve managed to break away from that sad state of being. Though I do admit, those online contacts kept me from going insane and perhaps doing something utterly stupid. I still talk to some almost daily now.
    In the last three months of my senior year of secondary school, I participated in this 8-day trip to Italy with school, and met a group of absolutely amazing people that allowed me to be myself, people that didn’t make me feel socially inept. That was the best time of my life.

    This liberation occurred in April-May 2010. For the first time in my life I had actual friends! People I met up with because we enjoyed being together, not because school forced us to. It felt absolutely wonderful! I felt like I was just awakening, like I was just being born. As a result, I still feel like I’m in the process of waking up, still learning how to operate in this world. I’m becoming more aware and conscious every single day. I have accepted myself as the magnificent being I am, in stead of depressing myself with unhealthy thoughts about how others must be viewing me.

    Right now I’m studying ICT at a local university, feeling like a child entering a candy store (granted the child is fond of candy..). So many new and interesting things to learn, it’s lovely! I still have those friends that saved me from my depression last year, and I am not giving them up. Sadly uni life isn’t going as smooth as I’d like it to be (socially), the same patterns that occurred during primary and secondary school seem to be popping up again. Eventhough I’m studying ICT, a stereotypical “nerdy” field, most of the people are still very Loud.

    Too bad. I’m not getting depressed over that anymore, I don’t have to care about their Loudness. I’ve grown past that. At least most of the time.

    Since I’m still studying, I wonder how I’d fare in a typical work environment. Which of course I don’t ever want to find out. It would mean I’ve failed at refusing to participate in the Loud ones’ retarded system. Getting paid in exchange for your time sucks and only distracts you from life.

    Every day I continue my quest to being and staying a non-depressed introvert, and luckily I’m finally getting the hang of it. I seek out knowledge with great enthusiasm, in stead of brooding over how “socially inept” I *am*. I’m certain I will find my balance in life and that I’ll get things straight eventually. Thank you Steve Pavlina. (http://www.stevepavlina.com/ “Personal Development For Smart People)

    And thank you for this blog, you’re definitely helping me (and many others!) becoming more aware of my introverted nature. Thank you and keep writing!

    As for fellow introverts that find themselves struggling with life, hang in there! Always remember that you’re not at fault, none of us are!

    • Linsey, so glad to see your comment. You brought up some very good points, and I applaud your honesty. I can relate to many of your points. It took me a very long time to stop worrying or caring about what people thought about me, so you are well on your way to seeing yourself as a valuable, awesome woman. I grew up a child of the 70s and never understood why I was so different from other women. I tried to be like everyone else instead of who I was. That line of thinking made me miserable, and I ended in very disfunctional relationships over the last 30 years. Fortunately, I have discovered that I am different and that is AWESOME. Thanks again.

      • No problem, Cindi! :) I’m still trying hard to stop worrying or caring about what other people think, it’s often not as easy as it sounds..! It must’ve been so much harder dealing with this back then, without the support of the Internet.. I’m very grateful to be growing up in an era where so much information is freely and easily accessible to all.

        Yeah, it does feel awesome to know you’re different from the masses! Imagine being totally extroverted..

  27. I just found this site, albeit two years late on the postings. I often wondered why I was so different as a child. My childhood was challenging, but my parents and siblings where and are a joy to me. I love them dearly. What I have been reading on this site, and taking a few personality tests, it all makes sense. I am so introverted, and I am really ok with that. I don’t feel castigated in anyway by your descriptions. In my case, they are right on. I do enjoy social activity, but cannot endure tedious, dull conversation. There is too much talk in our society and not enough listening. I often want to retreat from the world as it seems so claustrophobic at times. Thank you for letting me share my experiences as a grateful and rare introvert. I believe that more women should embrace male personalities more instead of complaining or “changing” them. We are all different, and in the differences, we can learn something from one another.

  28. I am a very introvert woman. My experience wi tell you that men especially despise women like me. I have seen so much selfishness, ignorance, ego and ignorance in the men and people of this world that I came to a life of total seclusion. I tried to bring the personality of Jesus to this materialistic ignorant egoistic world and I have faild to do it. Today I am aware that I would only waste my time if I try it again and I am also aware that seclusion is the best option for me. I am very peaceful finally, I am very contented and I have one friend only. His name is Jesus Christ, the Only one in Heaven and on earth who has the power to take away the sin of the world. I spend my free time writing or in prayer at the beach. I also noticed that I do have a treasure which men of this world despise and thefore they do not have it. I have peace.

    • Thank you for sharing. Jesus Christ is also very important to me too. He is my Savior, Lord, and best friend. I know that sometimes people of this world are selfish and ignorant, but God has placed me here on this earth to show his love and compassion. It is up to those around us to chose a life of peace or misery.

      Have a blessed day…

      • True love and conpassion starts with inner satisfaction and mental peace. An introvert can reach this state but the paradox is that the world persecute such people. The world has never known peace because an extrovert looks for fulfillment outside of his or her inner self which is always an illusion.

  29. This post describes myself/situation perfectly…. I am an extremely introverted female, and I also have autism…
    I have had to put up like bullshit you wouldn’t believe. I have always been a loner, since I was a child I lived in my own world. I didn’t care for “girly” things, socializing, all that crap. Never been motivated by the material world. My mom hated me for it, she expected me to be a girly girl, a social butterfly, but that is not what I am. She used to physically and verbally abuse me because of this. I had horrible trouble in school and had to drop out. I was constantly harassed for not conforming to their social norms. I never had friends. Those who I thought were my friends used and abused me. I had a couple bad relationships with normal guys and they didn’t go well because they were extroverted and never took the time to think deeply about anything. I still don’t have friends though. I just can’t relate to anyone. Everyone around me has their head filled with mindless garbage. It’s just insanity all around me, everyone is simple-minded, in their own fantasy of what reality is… and they accuse me of being in my own world!

    • I’ve never been diagnosed with any sort of spectrum disorder myself, but I notice that people on the spectrum tend to empathize with the writings on my site. Consequently this site has developed some connections to the autistic/aspie community over time.

      For me also, social interaction must have some substance or purpose to be worthwhile. What other call ‘socializing’ registers on my senses as just a bunch of spamming. Content is king.

      Yes, I realized some time ago that reality is no more than a conception of the world that a majority of a group agree upon. Most people are oblivious of the true nature of a socially agreed upon ‘reality’ even as they diligently enforce its taboos.

      Most people are incapable of deep critical thinking. It is pretty much how the average person stays sane in a mass agricultural society.
      This is partly why their ancestors had many children while ours did not.
      Thus, certain types of people with rare psychological profiles find themselves surrounded by aliens in this life. Aliens whose brains function on a totally different wavelength.

      I agree with them on one thing. We do not live in the same world with them. Or at least we experience this world so differently it might as well be another.

    • Sara, I will tell you a real fact which is based on experience. It is enough that you seek reality in yourself and in your own mind. This is enough to make you the only normal person among social groups made of people who do not have the cognitive ability to think and act independently. The difference between you and them is that you can find out who you really are while they die without knowing who they are. Be authentic. People who do not understand you are slaves manipulated by systems and societies. They live in a constant confusion, disguised anxiety or phobia. Just leave them alone. Find peace in your own mind for that is the place where you can find it. Leave the world alone, I have never seen an extrovert who found peace.

  30. As a female introvert, I can confirm a lot of your points: I’m reserved and quiet (but by no means contemptuous of others), like to read and write in silence, wear little makeup, am content with the limited wardrobe i have, and have few female friends. I’m very attentive to detail, and in general think more about philosophy, religion, ethics, and the meaning of life than others. I’m also being treated for depression and PMDD, but luckily i’ve found the right dosage of medications, and things are manageable. They’re more than manageable, actually — they’re great. And adding to this greatness was my recent realization that I was an introvert. After reading Jung’s essays, I determined i was an INFJ. I highly recommend reading Jung’s essays on introversion/ extroversion — by designating the objective from the subjective world views, Jung sheds a lot of clarity on the thought processes of extroverts vs introverts’. I do think female introverts are rare. I have another female introverted friend who shares my same frustrations about finding the right friends and men. I don’t mean to brag, but I think both my friend and i are highly intelligent and attractive young women who are misunderstood by a lot of men. I have no resentment towards men, but it is frustrating being an intelligent, introverted, attractive young woman, probably because it is intimidating. I of course don’t intend to intimidate others.

    • Ansley, your depression is caused by isolation. Even introverts need love. It is almost impossible to find love in isolation. Extroverts express their need for love because they constantly seek somebody outside of their inner self to satisfy their emotional needs. In isolation, the ability to see reality is much higher. Understand that love is all you need and also know that love is God who is the life force behind all life and creation.

    • Men are always intimidated by that which they cannot control. Why do you think that women have always had to fight for their rights along the history ? It is because nothing scares men more than the inability to control a woman, the only one who can carry on his genes by giving birth to babies. Men like power because they deny who they really are, they deny their own mortality. Power can only be exercised through manipulation or control. Men are scared of those women who they cannot control. Nothing is more scary than a strong independent deep thinker woman.

      • Michelle, as man who is in a relationship with an introvert, how does one enter into a relationship with an introvert? How do one maintain a relationship with a women, who needs her alone time? How do introvert women show there express their emotion? I can see, that too much control, bounderies are really important to my friend, how to get close without control in the relationship when a introvert women is involved?

    • I honestly recommend you to stop taking depression pills. They are similar to drugs and they only temporarily numb your brain while they will also make you dependent. While you are dependent on them your money goes into the bank account of those greedy doctors who promote them. You value much more than a doped artificial mind and body. Seek the real God, find true love, embrace peace for that is all you need. It is not healthy for you to follow a human being who has no clue about his or her existential truth. Better find that truth yourself and experience it inside your inner self and mind.

  31. Wow! Your points about introversion is SPOT ON! :)

    I’m also an introverted girl. My situation was, growing up i moved alot with my family and never established any deep relationships with people let alone “friends”. Overtime I think the lack of social life and only a handful of friends molded me into a very quiet reserved girl.

    There IS a trade off though i think between extraverts and introverts. I find that introverts excel in ‘non-verbel’ aspect of life (writing, school work, creativity, art) while having lack of social life. We concentrate so much on improving our selves that sometimes intrigues extraverted people (so who’s a weirdo now huh? LOL!)

    From my experience I do believe that introverts hold depth in the relationships, work, and thoughts they have in life. Sometimes though, i wish more extraverts (majority in this society) would come to understand us introverts and not judge us so harshly just becuae we are quiet.

    Props for the blog entry. :)

  32. I love your blog, and all the comments it has attracted. What you say is definitely true, at least for me. I love just sitting outside or lying in a field on a quiet day, and have never felt the need to wear makeup. The clothes I wear are relatively plain, but most importantly, comfortable. Most notably, I absolutely love writing. I don’t know whether I am good or not, but it is definitely a hobby of mine.

    One thing that I’m very thankful for is that growing up I never felt the way so many others have, I never felt strange, different, or that there was something wrong with me, partly due to my parents being really nice and the fact that I have been home schooled all my life. I have never been in a school environment, though I did have the choice, and I find that I can actually socialize with fellow homeschoolers and enjoy it. I have attended many homeschooling “classes”, mostly creative writing, art, and literature, all subjects that I enjoy.

  33. I’m coming across this post two years late, but I certainly meet your description of an introverted female! One thing that I would note is that we may not actually be rarer, but simply more obliged to participate in the Loud culture.

    For instance: My young child is the extreme extrovert – not so much Loud but very needing of constant contact and imput from mom. I’m too busy filling her emotional needs to spend any time doing the sort of solitary things to which I’d like to devote myself. We can’t with good conscience neglect our extroverted kids’ needs, and so the introvert mom spends all available time and energy on the little ones. There’s precious little left over for being available to make friends with other introverts.

    Perhaps we emerge after retirement and turn into those batty old ladies that do whatever they please and damn the social consequences? I’m rather looking forward to those days.

  34. Pingback: Competance, Game, and the Female Introvert | Complementarian Loners

  35. Reblogged this on taejae and commented:
    This blog post was interesting to me. I find mysefl to be introverted, maybe by nature, i don’t really know. But by no means was my childhood horrible. Slowly, as I grew up, I just kept more and more to myself. Like he posted, (and speaking from only my view of me) I didn’t, and still don’t get along well with the “popular”, giggly sorority type girl. Before this comment gets too long, I would just like to say this is a very well written post :)

  36. There are LOADS of introverted women. Why do you think you’ve never heard about them? People only pay attention to women who ‘stand out’ or ‘shout the loudest’.

      • My girlfriend tells me she is an introvert, when we get to close, she pushes back and does not want to be bothered for a few days, how do get close to my introvert girlfriend without pushing her away?
        When we are close, it is the best relationship ever?

  37. Hi, I found your blog while researching articles on introversion.

    This post really resonates with me. I am 27 years old, youngest of three daughters, self-identified introvert. My family is primarily introverted, or more inclined to introversion, with the exception of my middle sister who is very much an extrovert. My mother has an introverted streak, but generally demonstrates quite an out-going nature. While she sometimes passes comments like: “You are so serious, like your grandmother”, I feel that mostly my family understands and respects me for who I am, especially since I have grown a bit older and suddenly my mother (my father is very withdrawn and introverted, he rarely interacts with anyone unless he feels like it or it’s absolutely necessary) and my older sisters seem to have realised that I actually have a lot of things to say and those things are usually worth paying attention to.

    What you describe as the stereotypical introverted female traits I can identify with wholly. Until the last couple of years I struggled with low self-esteem as the extroverted environments such as school and college made me think I am somehow weird or that there’s something wrong with me. Even my extroverted ex-boyfriend made me feel like I am somehow at fault when it comes to socialising with other, and that was really destructive to my confidence. But now I’m with a guy who’s also somewhat introverted, and for the first time ever I feel like I’m being fully understood!

    I have always preferred the company of guys to coups of giggling girls. It’s true my closest friends are female, but I prefer to spend time with them one-to-one rather than gather in groups. I detest hen parties and other occasions where a large number of women come together. At the moment I share a house with 4 guys, because of a couple of really painful fall-outs with close girl friends I tried to live with. I am happier than ever where I am!

    The thing you say about hardening your heart is also true in my case. Every time I have opened myself to a guy and been completely misunderstood has lead me to thicken the defensive wall of ice around my heart. I had a string of disappointments that left me initially quite broken, but instead of wallowing in misery I tried to learn from my mistakes. I deliberately spent a long time not looking for a boyfriend to learn to be happy by myself as myself, and any guys who approached me usually left with bemused looks of “What a bitch!” when I declined their offers for company, sometimes politely, sometimes very sternly. (I used to get that a lot as I was working in a night club as a photographer. In my opinion it was poor judgement from the guys to try and disturb me while I was working.)

    Recently I started reading on introversion and things are definitely making a lot more sense now. I am trying to educate my friends and family about the differences between introverts and extroverts, and I am learning to deal with some of the more challenging aspects that come with introversion, especially socialising and social networking tips that I can utilise in my professional as well as private life.

    I love being an introvert, and I love the fact that I can define my quirks with confidence now. I love knowing that there is a whole population of other introverts out there who understand me and my point of view. And I love the fact that something of an introvert revolution seems to be taking place, it’s about time the society stopped trying to make everyone fit the same mould and embrace both ends of the personality spectrum!

  38. Pingback: Insights into the mind of a self-confessed introvert | Villiorvokki

  39. I found this blog and I agree. I have always been an introverted misunderstood female. I grew up not being able to relate to the social stigma. I had very few friends in school because in groups, the dominant alpha extroverted female would always be the most popular. My parents and family never understood why I was so quiet and I was punished for it ” say something” or “answer the question” After highschool I had mostly jobs where I was subjected to so many people and I hated it. I found the days exhausting and boring being involved with socialising with people I dont know, attending to their needs through sales and other means. I find most small talk, difficult, boring and pointless. I can’t stand show offs and loud people but it seems in this world, to be loud, to have a strong voice and opinion, to speak and not to listen is far more valued.

    Im studying at university and I’m trying to find a career where I get time to myself to think. Nowadays I have mostly male friends. I hate materialistic/small talk. To me, the world and the people in it seem so superficial. I spent a lot of time reflecting on philosophy, anthropology, lifes meaning. The one thing that extroverted people often get wrong, is that behind all the quiet/silence is a highly intelligent human being that is courageous and strong. I’m glad that I have now met a decent partner that seems to ‘get me’ . He is well, so far the best thing thats happened to me in a while. I hope it stays that way.

    • What does your friend do that shows he “gets you”. How does he interact with you, and approach the relationship without making you pull back, or act stand offish? I read introverts need alonetime, how do you balence that with maintaining a relationship?

      • Marko, are you asking this as an extrovert wanting to understand your introverted partner better, or are you the introverted partner trying to find a way to communicate to your extroverted partner that you need alone time but that you still love/care about he/she?

      • I am a extrovert man, my girlfriend is the intovert, it seems i always mess things up by trying to push her into a relationship or trying to figure things out. I ant to be close to her without making her pull away

      • Hey Marko, I was going to look around (online and in text) for some answers for you, and I still plan on it, but in the meantime, all I can give you is my personal experience/opinion. Firstly, I am a bit confused because you said that this introverted woman was your girlfriend but then also implied that you weren’t quite in a relationship yet because she keeps pulling away. If you meant that you want to get in a relationship with her and she keeps pulling away, this is what I have to say: ask her what she wants (gently, try not to be abrasive or impatient about it). Say something like, “Are you looking for a relationship right now? I want to be with you but I’m not sure you feel the same way.” How does she respond to that? Marko, if she says she doesn’t want to be in a relationship (or more indirectly SAYS that she DOES want to be in one yet through her ACTIONS keeps indicating otherwise), you gotta take her word for it and move on. You shouldn’t have to grovel just because she’s introverted, you still deserve her honesty. Don’t chase someone who doesn’t feel the same way as you, trust me. However, if you meant that you are already in a relationship with this woman, and she pushes you away when you get “too close,” this is what I have to say: the term “too close” is extremely subjective. In my last long-term relationship, my boyfriend was kinda introverted like me, which was great because staying in on Friday nights to watch TV shows was hardly ever a problem. However, he ALWAYS wanted me to come over, and me being young and a bit weak-willed, I would always oblige. Lemme tell you, I loved him (at the time) but I got SO sick of him. I didn’t necessarily feel suffocated, he wasn’t all oveR me every second or anything, but we were always in the same space. Whenever I did get “permission” to stay in my own bed for a night I was honestly relieved, just to sleep ALONE. So here’s the hard part: you have to open up some honest dialogue with your introverted girlfriend and ask her how much alone time she needs. You two need to work TOGETHER for a mutual compromise (e.g. you two see each other a certain amount of days each week but not everyday) because just as she has her unique needs (and I’m impressed that you seem so keen on meeting them) but you also have extroverted needs that matter and should be at least 80% met. So no concrete answers here, it’s just about communicating with your introvert in a loving, understanding way. I hope everything works out :)

  40. Until recently I have finally embraced this huge aspect of myself. I found this post to be exact! The only thing is even in adult hood, there still are emotionally painful struggles. I have pushed myself into appearing like an extrovert, because I thought that is what I needed to do (mainly to get people off my back). Then home became my sanctuary, till I decided to date with intent to settle down. These socially accepted norms proved disastrous for me, at the time.
    I became depressed. Then I took the Introvert/extrovert quiz. My mind flared with intrigue. Now it all makes sense. It is true introverted women are rare, but I see men and women randomly. We all have this aloof air about us and usually are avoiding eye contact or conversation (I don’t have any desire to ‘shoot the breeze’). There are moments that I will engage another, it’s usually because I know a smile from a beautiful stranger will do them some good.
    I do love people and work in the human service field. And I do force myself into social situations to ease others worries. On the other hand to avoid the over stimulation and physical drain, I have set boundaries with friends and family. They may not understand, how can they. But, they honor it the best they can.
    I look around me and wonder, why have I been blessed with a brain that fires differently. I am thankful for not being part of the social rat race.
    I am sharing this because there are positives to introversion. We can’t hold on to the mistreatment and hurtful words from those who
    don’t understand. There is nothing wrong with being alone and (for those reading this) it’s okay to stand your ground. No matter how draining it an be.

  41. I’m late seeing this, of course, but I’ll put my two cents in anywho…

    I am a 19 y.o. introverted female (ISFJ to be exact) and I started to delve into understanding introversion a year ago and it was a HUGE breath of fresh air and unfortunately, the only places I continue to feel that sort-of-normal are on online communities directed towards introverts.The outside world hasn’t changed.

    I completely agree with this post! I think males can get away with the introverted thing better. My younger sister, a year younger, is very close to me, but she is extroverted and it has started to wear at our relationship now that both of us drive and have some freedom, because she always wants to go out and…I always want to stay in reading, being on the internet, or watching a movie.

    I’m not sure how to be concise with this, all I can say is that the difficulty of being an introverted female has made for an entire life of feeling disconnected and consequently seeking various forms of escape. I don’t feel like I belong, in this family, for other reasons (abusive environment in which I have never and still don’t feel safe) than extro/introversion, but even my younger sister doesn’t quite understand who/what I am.
    Outside of my family, it’s been a joke.

    Growing up, I carried a book with me EVERYWHERE (a means of escape, a means of not having to engage in excruciating mindless chatter), and of course, no one regards a person who brings a book into a restaurant with them very well. But I just couldn’t stand small talk; not knowing about introversion back then, I just deemed myself unfriendly and in need of being fixed. I badly wanted to fit in and many times put on several caricatured masks, but I don’t keep up pretenses very well and I would always “regress” to my deep, thoughtful, reserved self. I don’t mean to make this all about race, but race also played into the mix with me. I am African American. I didn’t feel like I quite fit in with white people because of certain cultural differences and standards (but I had a few white friends), and to make it worse young black kids rejected me because in THEIR quest to fit in, they displayed mostly negative black stereotypes–ones I didn’t display, so I never had any black friends. So I have always felt like an outcast, mostly attracting international friends here and there, but never really fitting in. Always on the outside looking in. I’ve been called snobby and intimidating and boring as well, and those used to severely offend me, but now I understand those (still unfair) labels a bit better.

    I also detest materialism and caked-on makeup. It’s fake, point blank period! There’s no way around it. Why don’t other people want lasting-friendships, like I do? What’s the point of hanging out with people if you don’t even really want to get to know them? That’s what I feel like the majority of the “Loud” people do: they find people to ENTERTAIN them, and…that’s all. I mean, that’s as far as you can get with 90% mindless chatter in every friggin interaction.

    And now, due to extreme isolation in college because of academic demands and simply no one really caring whether I’m around or not, I am suffering with depression. But that started a while ago…

    Anyways, thanks for this! It’s very inspiring.

  42. Hi, guess I’m an outlier outside even the outliers. I was so intro as a kid I didn’t notice I was different until I was an adult. I worked 3 jobs all through junior high and high school. I kept myself so busy, by the time I actually looked up and noticed the world around me, my childhood was over. I sought mental health help after I was sexually assaulted when I was 18. I apparently had a perfect storm of good luck growing up, because they said I teeter between an extreme introvert and Aspie.

    I wasn’t bullied, but it just could be I was too involved with the-then current task at hand to notice what others were doing or saying. I didn’t care anything about socializing, but I also really didn’t know about it. I didn’t know there were activities that didn’t invlove solving problems or answering questions of some sort until I was in my late teens. Even then I just didn’t pay much attention to anything other than what I was focused on — like tunnel vision.

    I’m 35 now and through different kinds of therapy have discovered a lot about the world I didn’t even know existed; you know, like that dumb question a lot of people tend to ask, “Have you been living under a rock?” when they discover you didn’t listen to a certain kind of music as a teenager. I could easily ask them the same question with more validity when they don’t know much about earth history, how to work a GIS program, or even tell the difference between limestone and granite. “What? You are the one who brought up rocks, Mr. Extro. Or did you think we all had a petrified fossil inside our head like you?”

    Practice your craft folks, because doing what you love to do out weighs making lots of money doing things that make you miserable. I have 4 sesonal jobs within my craft of geology and paleontology. I love it because I can work on my own, but there is always someone I can consult if I need to, and they all ‘shop talk’ (more on work and less about societal things).

    If anyone is looking for a good career for introverts, it is in the geology field or doing something within a museum (cleaning bones for assembly prep, picking bone/teeth fragments out of sediment, digging at an actual fossil site, digitizing records or mapping etc). Being a female isn’t always easy in a male dominated field like geology, but they appreciate us a bit more for showing up — similar to how math and physics clubs are always wanting to recruit more females.

  43. I love post. I noticed it has the most comments of all. Thank you for addressing the unique issues with being female introverts. We get the most ugly reputations; from being called arrogant, stuck up, mean, no compassion and no empathy. No one said that when it comes to women we had to appear, warm friendly and caring. Not that I am not any of these things, but like I’ve come to notice, when it comes to the extrovert, if its not on display, then it must not exist. Their interpretations of the world just goes as far as the eyes can see and like babies when you put your hands infront of your face during a game of pick-a-boo, when they can’t see your face, they really believe you have disappeared.I never knew I was an introvert until a year ago, in my early 20s. Until then my life has been in utter confusion regarding the misunderstanding and nasty misconceptions regarding my personality. Nothing sucks more than being interpreted for something you are not, especially when you try to correct it with no result. Now I understand and am trying to accept that you can’t heal introversion with any medication or practice like some extroverts might suggest. With this I realize that I must become comfortable.

    Comfortable with the fact that I might get considered “weird” when I don’t do things according to the “norm”,
    Comfortable with the fact that my friendship circle can only include two or three close friends and be prepared for the wrath of those who don’t get included, because they think you hate them, since we must be welcoming to the masses.
    Comfortable with being an INTP, with a strong thinking capacity, that makes thinking about simple task like, what am I going to buy my friend for her birthday, making a mental shopping list, thinking about a project and even trying to decide what to do for a test; makes my face appear extremely serious, mean, cold and distant. Girls think I’m miserable, bitter, with a nasty past ( bad relationships, molestation etc.), and men think I’m a b@#&*, who probably make their lives miserable with constant demands, shut them out, be an all-a-round bad mother and wife. It doesn’t matter that internally I feel happy and content, I get asked by random men on the street to ” smile”. I don’t know, maybe they prefer women without a brain.

    And I shall not forget the extroverted girls. The chatty Kathies, the golden girls, they smile the most hence they most, right? I have been the victim of the assumed, most likely to be the perfect girlfriend, perfect wife. I have watched as she whispered about me to her band of girlfriends, I have watched her spread rumors about me being some kind of crazy loon. I’m perceived as the ball- buster and the dreaded ice-queen, yet I’ve observed as the extroverted girl made her significant other’s life hell on earth. I wonder what I will do in the realm of relationships. I can pretend to be something I’m not to get the guys attention, yet one day my mask my accidentally come off and he’ll see me for what I really am…………

    • I am a man, dating an introvert, she tried her best to hide it, an be more inclusive with her thought. She was uncomfortable, and it was not long before she would pull away to be with her thoughts. It was confusing for me at first and felt those things you mentioned above. It was not long before she told me she was an introvert, and liked to be alone at times. Now that I know she needs to be alone in order to recharge and be happy. I understand now, that she is not chit chatty, but I enjoy our in depth conversations. She nows I need explanations at times, and does see things from my view at times, if I ask. Good luck, some folks do understand introverts.

  44. My God, you’ve pretty much got me pinned. I am currently in high school and living in a one bedroom apartment with my mom. So, basically, every day I go to school and am bombarded with social stimulation, then I come home and am completely unable to be alone (the bedroom is her room). Recently, she’s been getting upset that I don’t want to be around her, when it’s really not that… it’s just that I get overstimulated very easily. And while I’ve tried explaining that, it’s difficult for her to understand.

    The only thing that I can say I feel you were wrong about is the whole ‘low self-esteem’ bit. While during my early teens (maybe 12-14) I was a bit insecure, at this point (18) I have found myself completely comfortable with who I am. I realize that I am different from other people, and I appreciate it, because I know that there are things that I can do and think and say that others can’t.

    Granted, I do sometimes find myself overwhelmed by social situations, but that definitely isn’t due to a lack of confidence. In a similar vein, I find that a lot of female introverts are commonly viewed as being ‘stuck up’ or ‘aloof.’ Among my introverted female friends, I’ve found that the majority (especially the attractive ones!), are looked down on by peers who think they “act like they’re too good to talk to us.” In fact, I think that the extroverts might actually be the insecure ones! I mean, why else would they take such offense to something like that? It’s not that we hate you, we just don’t like chit-chatting 24/7.

    Haha, I just read this draft over, and I probably sound like a total bitch. Gah, I don’t know, it’s hard to talk about stuff like this without offending anyone, since either way you’re a part of the party. xD

    Anyway, pretty insightful piece you’ve got there. I enjoyed it. :)

  45. Pingback: What Men Find Attractive in Women | Want A Guy™ - How To Tell If A Guy Likes You!

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  48. As an introvert woman, simple… she opens up to you and shares her thoughts and feelings with you. If we take the time to step out of our own minds and especially let you into our inner world it means that you are a very special person to us.

    • wow, as a man with a women friend who is an introvert, I guess I am special to her. We have been seeing each other for a year and she finally is telling me how she feels! usually we take time away from eackh other then get back together.

  49. So true; introverted women do have a tough time sending a message to extroverts that they are friendly and do, in fact, enjoy interaction…just in different ways. It’s all about adapting to society and meeting people halfway.

    I came across an article that has some interesting tips for women on how to communicate effectively with men about being introverts: http://quietchick.com/dating-for-introverts

  50. I’m a “woman” (actually 17) and I’m pretty darn introverted.
    I think I have a bit of an advantage though because I am not Caucasian: meaning i am a minority. I’ve noticed that minority introverts find it easier to “fit in” because a lot of minority groups tend to stick together, which kind of helps the introverted individual into not feeling left out.
    I’ve also noticed that in situations when an extroverted male is attracted to an EXTROVERTED female, they will make it obvious and get to know each other and flirt publicly. But when that male is attracted to an INTROVERTED female, he doesn’t typically make the same attempts that he would with the other female and is less inclined to get to know her. I’ve noticed plenty of times that when males are interested in me (although they don’t know that I know. and i know they don’t know i know. hehe.) they are extremely uncomfortable but they stare excessively as if they have never encountered my species before. Sometimes i feel I should help the poor suckers out…then I remember that THEY are the extroverted ones. Not me. Haha.

    • Bahaha! I’ve noticed that about extroverted guys too. I can’t tell you how many times that has happened to me… I’ll notice that a guy likes me, but he never acts on it, and instead chooses to stare incessantly and drool on himself. I think they probably just don’t know how to approach us, since we don’t really fit in the same box as the girls they’re used to. Some of them might be afraid that we wouldn’t want to talk to them, if they tried, since it’s common for us to appear to have ‘ice-princess-syndrome’. If you like him back, I find that it helps to smile at him more. Say a brief “hi” if you’re in the vicinity. Just try to make yourself approachable, and eventually he’ll pick up the slack. It’s interesting though, how we really do have to make the first move in those cases (even if it’s extremely subtle), since once you get to the point where he’s comfortable, the extroverted side will come out and he’ll become a completely different person. But yeah, guys are pretty funny. ;p

  51. Yes and no is my answer to this article. Firstly, not all parents are concerned with their introverted daughters. In fact, I am one and both my parents saw me to be slightly on the darker, deeper thinnking side but whenever I spoke, they would listen with full attention. This is because they knew I had an uncanny knowledge from thinking.

    I am an introverted female with ADHD, so I have obsessive facination but also distraction from topics at hand. Perhaps it’s not ADHD, but the ability to constantly drift through thoughts onto more deeper reflective levels. However, as an English educator in secondary school, I am seen to be “mysterious” and cool. My english teacher at university hates me, believes that I am passive agressive (another thing that non-introverted women accuse us of), and that I am too “shy.” INTROVERSION IS NOT SHYNESS!

  52. Pingback: The Ice Princess | The Introvert Files

  53. Beautiful. Thanks for explaining us.do wear make-up though, (it comes down to insecurity which is intrinsically related to introversion/shyness). All the rest…I agree

  54. I’m a female introvert…in the definition of introversion being a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people. I enjoy being alone, and seldom feel lonely. I’m a mother of 2 college-aged young women who are extroverts. They both get their charge from being around people and love to go-go-go. They understand mom needs down time, and have learned to appreciate a quiet time themselves. I’m not a real outdoors person. I work in the yard, etc., but my preference is reading and playing the piano. I am not shy. I engage well with people especially in outreach areas or work. People say I am very friendly, but different. The problem is many times people want to “hang out,” etc., and feel discouraged when I constantly turn them down as “hanging out” drains me, and I seldom desire it. I know people who are shy and really want to connect with people. That’s not introversion. That’s shy. Shy people tend to feel lonely, whereas introverts are in their element when alone. At church, it is difficult as so many things are designed for social events for women. That doesn’t interest me. I don’t do chit chat well nor relate to material dreams. I definitely wear make up and am feminine, not due to insecurity…I like being a woman. I have also learned that even though I prefer alone time, people are important and it’s good to engage. We all can contribute something. For me, there is a different depth and seriousness about things. But I love the extroverts as they draw me out and are light and fun. If I allow myself alone time, my engagement with others is more pleasant for both of us.

  55. I’m an introvert, and a scientist, and I’m getting a terribly hard time among my male colleagues. I’m always labeled as different, strange etc. I’m anxious in large crowds and truly hate meetings, but I have a few colleagues with whom I can chat for hours. The weirdest thing is that I manage to be also perceived as flirty. I guess it’s because I make an effort to make eye contact and so I over do it and seem intense. Then I withdraw and they think I have issues… It’s a crazy world among these extroverts :)

  56. Greetings, I am an introverted woman. For me it is true about having female friends. I prefer male friends and to work with men versus women. Extroverted women tend to be catty and full of drama. I cannot fathom why a lot of women are like that.
    I never had a hard time dating men. I had to turn men away in the past. It seems that most of the men were extroverts that I have dated and married. Husband number 3 is an introvert so it working out well for me.
    Finding an introverted career has been hard for me. I had to take extroverted positions in the past to make ends meet. Those positions did not last very long on this journey we call life.

  57. I am an introverted woman in my 20’s. I have tried to be talkative, wear the “mask” at work since unfortunately the company is full of extraverts. At one point I got sick, couldn’t go out with my friends, I was exhausted, my stress levels were high, it was a nightmare, in all honesty it’s hard for me to comprehend how people can fake it, I feel admiration for their strength to pretend to be something they’re not. I am independent, refusing to “fit in” for my own sanity but also because I don’t care about what society expects from me. I barely talk at work I only talk on meetings, I am highly participative if it’s work related. I am a web, graphic designer so I don’t need to interact much. I asked my boss to change desks, move away from the excessively loud crowd and now I am better, more relaxed, productive and successful. I used to feel bad because I rarely engage with my coworkers but after getting excellent performance reviews and bringing good quality work, I could care less. One of those excessively extravert women attacked me, trying to put my work down, it hurt me but I realized she dislikes me for the same reasons extravert women dislike introverted women; in my opinion they are jealous of how independent we are, we thrive on our own, we succeed and we don’t need people to define us like many women do. I am hardworking, I love my work not my job, but my work. My dream is in the future be able to work from home and freelance 100%. I can’t see myself married unless it’s with another introvert. I have only dated introverts and all my friends are introverts, so funny I just realize it now, it wasn’t my intention to pick them, we just connected. I had a period when I tried being outgoing but all I found was other extraverted people nagging me to go out with them all the time. I stopped keeping in touch with them. I can’t pretend to be something I’m not, I can’t deal with extraverts, time is important to me so I spend it wisely and my sanity is important too. Your blog is beautiful, it makes me so happy to finally find a blog that I relate to.

  58. I’m an introvert and obviously have been all my life. I’m female and in my 40’s now. I never had many friends and my lack of social skills has made me feel like a failure and really damaged my self esteem. I don’t like being around, or interacting with, other women. For the most part, their mundane, meaningless chit chat about nails and decorating is immensely annoying to me! I have always been more comfortable around men. Men just seem to be easier to talk to and talk about more interesting things. I have also had nothing but horrible experiences working with women. They tend to be jealous, petty, catty, competitive and judgmental whereas most men I’ve worked with are not like this at all! I think it’s much easier to work in a team of men than a team of women. Now I work at home and if I ever have to go back to working in an office, I think I will have a nervous breakdown! I also have to say I get annoyed with people easily. I can’t stand stupid people and don’t want to listen to them or deal with them. I realize my impatience and lack of tolerance towards stupid people is a fault, but it’s not something I choose to feel, it’s just there. Part of it might be that I have a high IQ – 140. Which brings me to another topic that was mentioned earlier in the comments – testosterone level and IQ. I don’t think there is a link between the two at all. The last time I had my testosterone level tested, it was actually low. Also, if testosterone had anything to do with IQ, then wouldn’t that mean that boosting your testosterone level would make you smarter? Doesn’t that sound stupid?? The fact is, I was born “smart” and that comes from my parents who also had above average IQs.

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