I’ve been hesitating to write this one. I’ve been considering the potential of this information to do harm. I’ve been considering the opposite sex. I’ve been considering whether it’s wise to make this sort of information public in the nominal anonymity of the internet. However, I have to give in. Most of the time a male true introvert lacks any fellow human beings with which he has anything in common. Most of the time there are absolutely zero even mildly suitable female partners in his immediate circle of acquaintance. Attempts at internet dating are no less hellish. The only option(short of everlasting celibacy) within mainstream society for men who don’t fit in is to try to ‘game’ females for which he has no personal affection. This activity involves lying to someone else. For an introvert, it must involve a fair measure of lying to oneself. It is yet another scenario where the introvert’s need to conceal his true personality is critical. This approach is destructive and/or unethical for several reasons. It:
-Acknowledges and reinforces the larger society’s belief that introversion is a mental sickness.
-Reinforces a lifetime of having to conceal one’s true self.
-Reduces one to lying for one’s own selfish purposes. Forces one into a lifestyle of operating under false pretexts and diminishes one’s character.
-Consumes huge amounts of time and money. Becomes a distraction from the acquisition of knowledge, the sharpening of the intellect, from every other pleasure life has to offer.
Every time I was faced with the dating scene and how I would have to lie, lie, lie to get anywhere, I thought of how devoting myself to such a toxic environment would diminish me and force me to deny myself. I never could bring myself to truly devote myself. Yet, like most men, I was unwilling to live a life of celibacy. I had my needs, the unfulfillment of which proved another annoying distraction in my life. There had to be another solution. A solution that consumed a minimum of time and resources while being as ethical as possible. Mainstream persons might be shocked at the answer that occurred to me:
prostitution.
Perhaps the main appeal was simply the stark honesty in it.
-There is no lying or misunderstanding. Both parties are absolutely clear in their intent and motives. There is no possibility of misleading or deceiving someone. One need not stoop to becoming a deceiver.
-There is no need to act like someone else or hide one’s own personality. One need not suffer the indignity of denying oneself in order to get the prize carrot at the end of the stick.
-The cost of a prostitute is usually going to be less than the cost of dating.
-The cost in time of a prostitute is always going to be much less.
-Once again, honesty to oneself and to others. Unless a man feels genuine affection and affinity for a girl he mostly wants just one thing. Lots of men on the dating scene have to lie to themselves about this, but it’s the truth.
I was already in my twenties and still hadn’t lost my virginity. My body had lusted ceaselessly since my earliest teens. After a decade of eternal unfulfillment, I’d had enough. I needed sex, but I was both unwilling and unable to trick a girl into doing the deed with me. What I needed above all, even as much as intimate physical contact, was to have the knowledge of what sex was actually like. All I had to go on was the obviously distorted images of it in hollywood movies and TV shows. To lose my virginity was to engage in exploration, same as reading a book on a new subject. It was also to attain another degree of separation from my birth society. I needed my own definition of sex in my head apart from all the televised nonsense.
I finally got my chance in Amsterdam’s red light district while travelling across Europe. It is illegal for the prostitutes there to have pimps, most I’m told are independent agents just making money for themselves. They are just like any other self-employed people under the law of their country and can get themselves checked for diseases whenever they like. I chose this place in particular because I wanted to reduce my risk and be sure I was going to be with someone who was in the business by her own choice. The experience was very satisfying but it didn’t feel extraordinary at all. Yet, I felt as though I had been cheated all my life of something integral to human existence. It felt like one of those normal pleasures that ought to be daily and routine like eating a good meal or taking a good dump. It was just as natural as eating. In fact, I best enjoyed it on an empty stomach and then I’d go eat at a restaurant with that pleasant buzz still in my body. The experience confirmed what I had already known. The hype in pop-culture is completely undeserved and it exists because of the simple fact that sex makes money. It makes money because it is so hard to find a desirable partner in real life. People tend to want what they can’t have, even if it’s not deserving of such intense desire.
I am aware that what I did would be considered by most people to be ‘sleazy’ at best. Some of my friends were horrified when I admitted what I had done(they asked). However, I still understand what I did to be the most ethical solution and that is why I’m writing about it today. The majority culture in English speaking countries strongly disapproves of prostitution. Yet the same culture is perfectly OK with men who just want sex deceiving women who are searching for long term relationships. It seems rather warped to me. Just another indictment of my silly birth culture. Just another reason to turn away from the accepted orthodoxy. For the most part, people aren’t trying to be ethical. They’re just mindlessly following whatever they were taught and reacting to the values of the majority of others so they don’t get crushed.
In any case, I benefited greatly from my experiment. The experience helped put things into perspective that my birth culture had distorted. I had known intellectually that women, like men were creatures of flesh and blood but until I educated myself, I had not known this truth on the visceral level. After this experience, women had far less power over me. As a result, women were far more attracted to me.
I hadn’t the luxury of thinking about fine cuisine until I had escaped famine conditions. Once I knew I had some potential outlet for basic sex, I could turn my mind to the possibility of actually building a relationship with a woman for the first time in my life. Because I had an appreciation of just how ordinary sex is, I was able to pursue my private studies without any doubts that I was indeed missing out on something unfathomably great. I was more focused in my solitude than ever before and more content. I could finally look on all the extroverts who always seem to pair up with ease without any particular envy or insecurity. All because of a few nights not very good sex.
And when I say not very good, I mean it. You can pick any girl you want, but I have to warn prospective johns. She will try to do as little as she can for as much money as possible. You should haggle over the price and be 100% sure that it is mutually understood what you’ve agreed to do together. It’s not very good sex because one must constantly be on guard against being cheated. Also because a guy has a strict time limit to finish up. Knowing that the clock is ticking doesn’t make for the most relaxing of sessions. It’s not very good sex, but it is sex and with whoever you want.
And something that goes for anywhere in the world: DON’T USE STREETWALKERS. Most of them are under the control of pimps, might even be sex slaves, might be trying to fuel a drug addiction or all of the above. They’re also one of the best ways in the world to catch a disease.
While in a puritanical English speaking country, the best bet is undoubtedly to call up escorts and gradually find out which ones work out best.
A very important thing to know: If you are a virgin, don’t EVER tell them that you are a virgin. It’s the equivalent of going to a car dealership and telling them you’ve never bought a car before. If she knows you don’t know anything, she will use every trick in the book to quickly separate you and your money. If she thinks she can get away with it, she might even try to extort you once you’re too far along to easily stop. These ladies are not the victims they’re portrayed as in the movies. They’re tough and they’ve seen it all. They are quick to manipulate and intimidate when they think it will get them somewhere. The john and hooker relationship is not one-sided and it’s more complicated than moral puritans realize.
The bottom line: take all the cautionary measures you would if you were making any other purchase. This is business and male introverts who remember this will get the basics of what they need, what has always been impossible to get within the hostile confines of their birth society.
Most important of all:
Ability to satisfy the basic male need for sex without being forced to subjugate oneself to the standards of the accepted orthodoxy. Sex no matter how uncool one’s hobbies are or how divergent one’s personality and interests. Sex without having to spend months learning courtship procedures all the other guys learned as a part of basic socialization. For introvert men, this means removal of the last great means of leverage society still has on their lives. It is a form of emancipation; the ability to simply bypass all the usual onerous steps and get to the truth and purpose of the matter.
I applaud your honesty here, as an introvert with the usual relationship problems, but with the usual human desires, lack of sex is something that has constantly brought me down for years.
As a consequence of this and of the over bearing social pressures to conform, I have ended up allowing myself to be drawn into brief or inadequate sexual encounters that have left me feeling used, humiliated, and which has left me feeling only worse about the situation.
A key problem is that social expectation we males are subject to – that we should take control, that we should take the initiative, that somehow we should know what we’re doing and take responsibility for providing pleasure. This is only ever going to be an unavoidable trap for the inexperienced, and as an introvert this is my situation.
I got tired of this and decided that to pay would be best. I was wary of doing so, not because of the social stigma of this – as someone who looks beyond the knee-jerk reactions of the majority I have no problem with prostitution. In my view if a person wishes to sell sex, then it is no one else’s business.
The only exception is of course when it is coerced in some way. This is the insanity of the prohibition and demonization of prostitution. While I did not have a problem paying, I did have a serious problem thinking I might be contributing to another’s suffering.
But I chose carefully, as best I could under the circumstances, and the girl did not seemed coerced, she was independent and seemed fine in what she was doing (I suspect she was a student from one of the local universities).
And it went well. It wasn’t mind-blowing full on Hollywood glamour sex, but then I doubt that it ever is for most people. For the first time I enjoyed it, was satisfied, and it really did help me immensely, both in the satisfaction of physical craving and the increase in my knowledge of sex and consequently the alleviation of some of my fears and anxieties about it.
I would rather find sex in an intimate loving relationship, but that is so hard to find. For anyone in this situation I would firmly agree with Uncle Gluon that this is an acceptable way of fulfilling basic needs without the often spirit crushing conformity to expectations.
If I were richer I would do it far more often, and on a regular basis. And I think my life would be better for it.
I was reluctant to write about this, but then I thought of all the years of my life people just gave me the advice that was socially acceptable to give.
It really is a way to liberate oneself from social expectations. With dating and relationships come a huge number of conventions. It tends to be a way for the poisonous social influences we are trying to escape from to re-enter our lives. One is left with only two choices. Poisoned food or starvation. Prostitution solves the dilemma by offering us the ability to anonymously satisfy our basic needs without submitting to the oppressive conventions that have made our entire lives a struggle to survive. It is a step closer to social immunity. With some source of basic satisfaction, we finally have the luxury of searching for loving intimate relationships.
Just relieving those fears, anxieties, and questions is worth it by itself. Just simple curiosity makes it worthwhile. It is an educational experience.
Most people don’t understand what it’s like to go years without so much as basic affection and intimacy. Add to that a chronically deferred sexual nature… It becomes nothing less than necessity. It starts to mess around with one’s head.
I’ve sometimes wondered if levels of violence would go down if prostitution was legalized and regulated by the government.
It’s become clear to me that any country that wishes for internal peace must find ways to satisfy the sexual/intimacy needs of all of its men or else they’re asking for trouble. Exactly the same thing if citizens were to become deprived of money or bread. Just one more reminder that the pace of change in society has outpaced change in social conventions. That which we’re taught as unquestionable doctrine by which to live our lives is often arbitrary, cruel, and downright backwards.
So let’s get this straight; you found a way to enjoy sex without taking advantage of women, and remaining true to yourself. You, sir, are a man among men. Good article.
I know a woman who was a prostitute and a hardcore introvert… Said it was some of the best sex she’d ever had!
I just recently discovered your blog and was very interested to read the articles on men/women. Of course this post caught my eye and I am commenting as an introverted female (therefore I probably have a different take on this article than most men).
I’m glad that you cautioned against using streetwalkers and sex slaves, however I think you have a slightly misconstrued image of prostitutes in the red light district. While some may have chosen to work in the sex industry, most “choose” because they face poverty otherwise. In some ways it’s almost a forced choosing. You also characterize these women as manipulative and cunning, which may be true (honestly I have no experience in this area), but maybe they need to be that way in order to procure the most business. Like corporate men and women, it’s all about getting the most money for as little as possible. And some of these women use this facade of “strength” to distance themselves emotionally from their business and therefore protect themselves from not-so-nice men and not-so-decent acts…
You also stated that the sex you had wasn’t very enjoyable. Obviously sex with a stranger (where you have to pay on top of that) is not going to be like that you see in Hollywood, but when you actually really care about someone sex can be quite enjoyable. That’s the best part about sex: to be the most intimate with someone you care about (I don’t know if since then you’ve discovered this or not)…
I understand well that the popular imagination tends to view these women purely as victims. Real life is far more complex. They’re like any other business persons. They want to make money, as you said, with a minimum of effort. ‘Buyer beware’ applies in a brothel just as much as it does in a used car lot. Like good salespeople in any industry, they will try to get their customer to agree to terms that are as advantageous as possible. My article would be incomplete without a warning.
Perhaps sex work is a preferable alternative to poverty. However, consider the situation of most men who have no such choice(unless they don’t mind anal penetration). As far as women are concerned, it’s basically an extra option they can fall back on. Entry level requires no experience and getting the job is nearly certain. (Of course being good at it requires a lot more.)
Compartmentalizing is something everyone does in the workplace. Cashiers, customer service reps, teachers, and doctors are all good examples. I’ve never doubted that sex workers do the same and that they are in fact regular people in their everyday lives.
As far as the sex: The biggest drawback is that a man can’t completely relax in the act. He’s got to watch out against getting ripped off and the clock is ticking.
What makes it worth it: Anybody he wants, whenever he wants so long as he has the money.
As a female, you must understand that men have a vastly different set of reproductive instincts. Even the worst sex satisfies the basic need in his pelvis and the pit of his stomach so long as he gets his release. I’ve tried to explain this to females before. I’ve sometimes said that it’s like removing an unimaginable amount of pressure that’s slowly, steadily built up. Other times: like removing a 100 pound weight from inside his pelvis/genital region in a single instant. A weight that he always carries around. It’s like a weight one becomes so used to carrying one no longer notices: relief is all the greater with its sudden removal. In a few hours to a few days, the weight returns, as heavy as ever. This is what it feels like to be a man.
I’ve had incomparably better relations within relationships, but men still have their needs when other options are not available. It’s also useful as a means of sexual initiation for men who have fallen behind their peers. This option isn’t the most desirable, but it is an important one nonetheless. Men too need and value intimacy with their partner. However, for most men, the irreducible bottom line is a short reprieve from relentless primal urges(especially if they do not have a partner). No man can ever admit this to a woman face to face. Men speak of such things among themselves all the time. Women who understand men understand these things.
I haven’t formed my opinions based off movies that I’ve watched or popular imagination; I have formed them from talks I have heard and had with former sex workers. While these women do not represent all sex workers, I am almost positive they represent a majority.
My interpretation of your second point is that you think prostitution is mostly a woman’s issue. Men are prostitutes as well (think of the huge sex trafficking ring discovered just this past August, where mostly Brazilian men were being ferried to Spain). I am a female that is concerned for the well-being of both female and male prostitutes.
As to the assertion that I cannot empathize with men; it’s true, I can never know for certain what men feel biologically in regards to primal urges, but I never questioned that men need a sexual release every now and again. But isn’t that what self-pleasuring is for?
I looked up ‘male sex slaves’ on google. Yes there’s a handful of incidents online but most of the search results were people joking around or S and M related.
It happens, but I’m not under any impression it’s comparable in size to the sex trafficking of females. Gay men often have lots of sexual partners, at least well above average. I wouldn’t suppose there would be any big reason to pay someone lots of money to import male prostitutes. While there’s no lack of male prostitutes in major urban areas, I doubt their numbers have ever been able to compare to those of their female counterparts. Sex trafficking, I suppose, is going to primarily involve females, because females are in far greater demand.
Self-pleasuring is useful but it does not provide the same satisfaction as intercourse. It can substitute for the real thing but it isn’t a replacement. Any man you ask can tell you this. The physical element is a necessity and it still gives a man that basic satisfaction even if it’s with a stranger.
You must understand that males and females have different biological objectives and therefore their instincts drive them towards different goals.
Most people get to choose between a crappy job they don’t want to do, and poverty. Perhaps the closest comparison for men is that of manual labor. It’s hot, sweaty, and often painful, and I’ve never spoken to a laborer who wouldn’t take another job if the opportunity presented itself. But it beats starving.
You seem to have a lot of misconceptions about prostitution that come from sensationalist hacks like the writers at Salon. For an alternative look at prostitution, I would recommend the Honest Courtesan.
http://maggiemcneill.wordpress.com/
I can’t recall I’ve ever supposed it’s somehow glamorous or fun to be a prostitute in even the best of cases. I too see it as just a job and recommend that buyers beware, just as they would with any other salesperson.
Ratiolumen: Honestly, if you had two choices: poverty or a crappy job, who would actually choose poverty? Then, is it really a free choice? I’m not trying to say that prostitutes are incapable of making choices and thinking for themselves, just that societal constructs have made sex work into something that is degrading. I skimmed a couple of the posts at the Honest Courtesan and she seems to express the sentiment that prostitution can be empowering. For me, it’s not an issue of whether the prostitute feels empowered (which is great if she/he does, but not all do), but whether the *buyer* feels like they’re an equal to the prostitute (which is often not the case). unclegluon seems to be pretty respectful (despite the unfortunate comparison of prostitutes to cars), but not all buyers are like that…
Obviously since I’m asserting an opinion that’s not very popular on this blog, it must be because I’m reading “hack” publications. I have never read anything on Salon, and if you look back to my initial response, you would see that I state that I have actually spoken to former prostitutes, which is where I get my opinions.
A great article to read on legal prostitution: http://www.policyinnovations.org/ideas/commentary/data/000107/:pf_printable
unclegluon: Regarding the response you gave in September (last sentence of your post), I think the argument that women don’t have the same levels of sexual desire as men to be complete bullshit. Just like you state that I can never understand precisely what men feel (since, ya’ know, I’m not actually one), you can’t make such a generalized supposition about women. I know plenty of men who don’t want to have sex all the time and plenty of women who do, and vice versa.
It would be more accurate to say I compared sex workers to car salesmen and cars to sex.
Your description of the “mating game” was spot on to how I have experienced it. As a teenager, there is incredible pressure to lose your virginity that collides with the reality of being an extreme introvert. I was simply unable to become this sort of alpha wolf that procreates with women without any sort of emotional attachment and no concern for the consequences.
However, as a virgin male in my early twenties, I have not experienced the same sort of animalistic sexual urges that you have Uncle. At least none that could not be remedied with internet porn. Not that I look down on those that partake in prostitution, but I seem to be able to remain calm and patient knowing that it is only a matter of time until I will find a suitable partner.
The bigger problem for me is not the lack of physical contact but rather the absence of any real social bonding. In fact, when I meet women that I find interesting I do not find myself thinking about them sexually. Instead I simply want to converse with them as a friend and be in their presence.
You will know the animal in yourself if you ever leave your male desires unattended for long.
Try to take a few weeks’ break from masturbation and you might well not be physically capable of it.
I was so out of touch with my peers that I never knew to jerk off until I was an adult.
I’ve experienced the animal drive at its full strength when most people are somewhat protected from it.
Such an experience allows one to recognize that it is truly a force of nature.
Enough wanking and porn can keep the male drive docile, but it can’t truly satisfy deep down. The body just wants more and more without reprieve because it’s not quite what the body is looking for.
Sex actually turns off the whole alarm system for awhile and gives one a true reprieve.
In my experience, even bad sex with a stranger yields a sort of deep set tranquility and mental quiet.
i just found your blog and read some entries. firstly i want to thank you for your writing and for sharing this stuff with loners like myself. i find it very useful.
anyway, i’m an introverted male in my 20s, i don’t have any real friends, nor did i ever had a serious relationship and of course i never got laid. as a child, i was raised to believe that i am shy and that i need to change that. being mostly surrounded by extroverted people, i chose to isolate myself from them. thus, i think i’ve been seriously misunderstood as a person. one big problem was that i didn’t actually know that there is a difference between introversion and shyness. i did really think that there was something wrong with me and unless i’m going to change, i will never have a chance at living a social life. after understanding the difference between these 2 terms, i realized that i’m not actually shy, i don’t really feel ashamed of speaking to or being surrounded by people, nor do i feel shame in sharing intimate information with people; i just like to carefully choose the people to whom i wish to connect.
regarding sex, somehow it never happened to me. although i don’t necessarily enjoy them, i did go to parties and stuff, but i’ve always managed to stay unnoticed, to be more absent than present.
personally i didn’t really want casual sex, maybe just to get rid of the pressure of being a virgin, but i’ve always longed for a girl who could understand me and who would like me for who i am and vice versa. lately i did consider the possibility of going to a prostitute and after reading your post, i think it might just be the best thing to do in my situation.
sometimes i wonder how this world would be, if it’s population consisted only of or mostly of introverted people, but then again, as with any other better or finer things, they are rare and hard to find.
sorry if my reply sounds weird, but i usually don’t comment, i just lurk around. this time though, i felt like saying something…
cheers
Just found your blog after Googling for dating stips for introverted men. You have written a nice article. I have been down the same road you have. Tried PUA, didn’t work or feel right for me. Tried to be myself in dating which led alot of frustration, uncomfortable silences, time wasted and disappointments for both parties. After kind of giving up on trying to date or seduce women, in the end I lost my virginity at the age of 29 to a prostitue as well. Wasn’t great, it wasn’t spectacular but I had to know what I was missing out on. Tried it again a few times after that.
Although it is kind of nice and does fullfill a basic need, I have to say the sex always feels very mechanic to me. There is no real love there. It feels cold and businesslike, without much pleasure.
I still visit prostitutes sometimes to fullfill the basic need. But in the end, it doesn’t really satisfy me and I would love to try and have a loving relationship with a woman who loves me the way I am. Which is quiet, not much outgoing and in need of alot of alone time. I guess like any other introvert. I am still looking around for a real and loving relationship, but it’s still very hard. Just felt like sharing.