Men with strongly Subtle tendencies typically have acute difficulties in relating to the opposite sex.
Women tend to be more socially oriented than men and this can be a huge obstacle for the least social of men who are also the least social human beings.
Relating to women is difficult because the highly social ‘girly girl’ is the polar opposite of a Subtle man. She is a creature of brightness, daylight, and fleeting passions while the Subtle man loves the safety of shadow, anonymity, and long term devotion.
If we envision a visible human spectrum, we could suppose we could find extremes in the infrared and ultraviolet. The most socially grounded females in the ultraviolet range, the least socially grounded men in the infrared. Ultraviolet females are a challenging personality for even the most social men when it comes to sustaining relationships, but their tendencies often seem to actually facilitate finding relationships in the first place. While there is most definitely intense competition amongst females, getting cut out of the gene pool entirely by competitors isn’t a huge concern like it is for men. An infrared male on the other hand has a huge disadvantage without any section of the female population to match his temperament. He lacks an asset, an edge possessed by all other males.
It is thus easy for an introvert man to come to the conclusion that he hasn’t the slightest thing in common with women and has very little place for them in his life.
On the other hand, a Subtle man is still a man. One of his strongest instincts is to desire a woman in his life. A life without sex and physical affection is difficult and lonely.
When it comes to girls, he is torn between the anger seeping from his lifetime of emotional scar tissue and his annoyingly unkillable hope for intimacy, love, and acceptance.
Thus we have the Girl Conundrum that is the torment of introverted guys everywhere.
Solution #1 – PUA
Many introvert men notice that they have never had success with women and they decide they need to change. Who do they need to become? The pickup artists who can seduce girls whenever they want, of course. The PUA community promises access to what was inaccessible, power instead of helplessness, and even vengeance intead of being trampled underfoot. All these together form an irresistible formula and indeed many gurus of pickup claim to have once been average frustrated guys with no ‘game.’ Indeed, many outcasts find a home in this place. This community has lots of philosophy and insight about human nature. It’s an exciting, stimulating place to be for bright, outcast men. There’s nothing to lose and no reason not to take as much from women as possible. After all, every introvert man has seen numerous times from his low ranking position how awfully, how truly condescendingly girls treat anyone they consider beneath them. He has no reason to offer any mercy or concessions. He would rather just be himself, but her unfortunately outdated packet of instincts precludes honesty. Against a lifetime of isolation and struggling for survival at the very bottom, the realpolitik philosophy of pickup makes sense.
Unfortunately it still doesn’t resolve the Girl Conundrum. Provided someone gets somewhere with PUA tactics, that’s definitely an improvement over isolation, but all the same issues remain. Reducing women down to a packet of instincts hardly fosters respect for them and yet he still has that desire for love and acceptance with a woman he respects and trusts. His desires remain in contradiction. Some introverted guys understandably relegate ‘loving relationships’ to the trash heap of other outright lies and unhelpful advice they’ve been given all their lives. Their anger is strong, but they would love nothing better than to learn that they’re mistaken. They remain torn between hate and hope.
I never got into the pickup community, but I definitely read some PUA works and benefited from them. For some people it takes the almost mechanical pragmatism of these books to awake from the reigning politically correct gender feminist garbage. It’s potentially a step in the right direction. Two out of four stars.
Solution #2 – MRA
I didn’t know these guys existed until I looked for them on the internet. A few years ago, I’d just returned from a foreign country where the girls had been much nicer and I was experiencing severe reverse culture shock in my home country. Surely someone had noticed that girls here were impossible! I entered search terms into google, probing for anyone out there who might have had the same thoughts. To my surprise there was a lively community of men who are tired of the contempt and disrespect that men regularly receive from women and the feminist establishment. Unsurprisingly, a good portion of these men seem to be introverts, who have seen mostly the very worst of the opposite sex.
For me, MRA writings have done more than any other source to get rid of cultural baggage and put maleness in its proper perspective. They have a broad focus and explain methodically with statistics how gender relations work in aggregate across entire societies. The system revealed by their analysis is one of stark injustice that stems from both the facts of biology and social expectations. MRA writers like to patiently and systematically point out all the ways that women are in fact privileged. One comes away from such reading with higher confidence and with lesser need to put women on a pedestal. However, this literature doesn’t endear women to the reader or bring one much closer to a loving relationship. Girl conundrum unsolved. Yet it is vital in teaching men how not to be exploited by the opposite sex. MRA writers provide a plan for independence from women, an end result they persuasively argue will benefit both sexes. This is not the solution to the problem, but it is most definitely a gateway and enabler. Four out of four stars.
Solution #3 – Use A Prostitute
Continued in the next post…
10 Comments
I found your post fascinating, especially reading it as an introvert woman.
It might be true that women are more socially oriented than men, but as an introvert woman that is not me at all.
It seems as though you’ve put all women into the same box, fleeting passions and flightiness, I’m not sure who you are mixing it with, but that doesn’t describe me or other women I know.
What really stands out in your posting though is your anger and self loathing towards yourself and projected onto women.
You describe yourself as a low ranking introvert and that women treat someone like that badly. I think it’s true at times, but the reason for that is you are radiating your own self loathing and not only is it not attractive to someone, it will trigger some nasty behaviour in them as well.
I had a good friend (woman) who had appalling self esteem and lack of self acceptance. Men and women used to treat her appallingly (apart from me), but as time went on I had to stop myself from treating her badly, it was almost as if she was unconsciously asking to be treated badly.
I’m a very self aware person and held back and that was with a good friend of mine. So I can only imagine what it must be like with a member of the opposite and with less self awareness.
People treat you the way you treat and think of yourself. What you consciously and more often unconsciously radiate is reflected in how other people treat you.
I’ve been a real people pleaser in the past and every time I’ve been like this have been treated like shit by both men and women. The more I accept myself and look after myself and value my skills and temperament and live according to my values, the better others treat me.
Nothing is as black or white as you paint it. Women are every bit as complex and introverted and extroverted and everything in between. But as long as you lack confidence and radiate anger and hostility, don’t expect the kind of woman or relationship you want to find you.
That’s an awful lot of psychologizing you have there!
By ‘women as a whole’ I basically mean on average. Generally speaking, women are more socially oriented than men.
You seem to agree with me on this premise.
I don’t understand where I’ve painted things in black and white. I understand that any group can be represented by a spectrum.
If women are the social spectrum in the visible range, a Subtle person is usually going to be in the infrared or ultra-violet range:
While women have a wide range of temperaments and personalities, there’s a certain segment of the male population who are going to match up with very few women.
I described the bubbliest most sociable women (‘girly girls’) as being examples of fleeting passions of flightiness. I nowhere say that all women are like this. In fact, I’ve even made a post concerning introvert women.
You readily admit that if the past has not been kind, others often sense weakness and close in for the kill.
If we feel we are low status, others pick up on all kinds of subtle signals that we are vulnerable and then attack.
I agree with you on this.
Overall, you seem to have deeply misunderstood my post.
By the way, if you are the only person who empathizes with and helps your low self esteem friend, what does this say about the nature of the larger society? Could one be blamed for harboring a certain measure of anger in response to this kind of barbarism?
As another introverted woman, I agree and disagree with you both.
My issue with the initial female introvert who responded is her seeming content with blaming victims for societal wrongdoing. Someone is not born with “low self-esteem” it is developed and the result of life experiences. When you are misunderstood and treated poorly, you not only develop a distrust for the outer world, you also begin to doubt your own self-worth. For others to take advantage of this is disgusting and a reason why we have so many issues in this world. I have never felt the need to treat anyone badly. Arrogance and self-centeredness and a need to somehow feel above someone else is why it is done.
And when it is done, the person who is the victim can never pull themselves out of these emotions (a result of their treatment) because they have never dealt with anyone who found them valuable! It shocks me how people in our society do not get this. It is at the root of almost all of our problems. It is why I feel so little remorse when victims strike back!
As for the writer of the post, if I hadn’t gotten to your other posts after this one, I would have assumed you were sexist. Your inclusion of the term “feminist establishment” is inaccurate. I feel that in this point, you painted all women with a broad brush based on stereotypes and popular belief. Women are far more complex. I am happy you decided to speak about introverted women in a later post.
I fail with the opposite sex because I just don’t know how to play the courtship game very well. I’d like to say that I’ve learned some things and will eventually see some success, but until them I will continue to enjoy single life.
The toughest part about it has been me learning that you will inevitably fail miserably as a beginner, and fail a lot. Part of my personality does not like to do things that are bound to fail but I learned that in this part of life, I don’t get a choice. I also learned to laugh at things in life a lot more to not stay in low spirits, and laughing at myself is a great source of joy. Life isn’t fair and as an introverted male, relations with the opposite sex is one of the worst offenders. I chose to suck it up and adapt rather than give up completely.
Rhonda,
There are most definitely gender ‘feminists’ out there who basically serve as a reckless lobby for female interests with little concern for society as a whole. Indeed, their influence has been quite destructive.
Furthermore, I’ve never argued or suggested that women aren’t varied or complex. Rather, women are on average more socially oriented than men. Thus the least social men reside on an opposite pole from the most social of women. They are still less socially oriented than the least social of women. There’s no portion of the female population they line up with and it proves to be an obstacle.
I will make some changes to the original post to make my point more clear.
I definitely agree with your assessment of low perceptions of social worth. Someone who bleeds in the social pool has a way of attracting sharks. It’s an experience that at one time was very familiar.
anon,
If one doesn’t learn courtship skills back in middle and high school with everyone else, catching up as an adult feels like an exercise in masochism. Both men and women assume someone who doesn’t even have the basics down already is just a complete idiot. Just like in an MMORPG a noob is going to get treated with disdain and kicked viciously while they’re down.
It’s an exceedingly painful process with seemingly little reward.
Personally, the few times I’ve been to night clubs/bars in my life were somewhat helpful. Though loud and unpleasant, they’re an environment where one is surrounded by strangers and can thus systematically experiment without adverse consequences.
Actually, I must admit that just getting used to going out on the dance floor and trying not to feel like a complete idiot is a useful exercise.
Ironically, all that loud noise tends to drastically reduce the necessary(and possible) amount of chit chat.
You’ve got the right mentality. Keep going, come to terms with your disadvantages, and most importantly, acknowledge and make use of your natural introvert strengths to the utmost.
Don’t know if anyone reads this anymore, but here’s the solution:
1)Self-Esteem. -Work at it from every possible angle & fix it until it is high, without becoming a sociopath or someone who can’t hear feedback.
2)Find, Articulate & Fix False Paradigms and Limiting Beliefs
3)Conversation Skills. -Learn them & practice
3)PUA stuff Like Mystery Method, Pickup101, Neil Strauss, David D. Learn this while still being congruent to yourself & don’t peacock to the extent Mystery does; -BUT use it for the self-improvement angle, girls & dates are actually a BY-PRODUCT of a successful process.
I also felt this post was cast in a very black/white conspiracy-theory, “Let’s look for reasons things can never work”-way.
I am an introvert guy, also.
No idea what MRA stuff is, but if it involves treating women like Normal people, not attributing them any values they haven’t actually demonstrated, just because they’re cute; -then, good! Ultimately, looks mean nothing (other than her parents have good genetics and she does the other 10% by sccrubbing-up and not weighing 400lbs. -yet)
MRA = Men’s Rights Activist or similar or otherwise sympathetic individuals.
I’m now in the position of being single again after more than 20 years of marriage and I can tell you the prospect of growing old alone is truly terrifying. As an introvert (IS[N]TJ) I was told by my ex-wife that I could no longer fulfill her, quote, “emotional and social needs”. Just imagine the impact that has had. I’ve effectively been written off by the woman I loved (she is Extrovert btw) so how do you move forward from that? I’ve looked at internet dating sites and you almost always see women/girls describe themselves as ‘bubbly’ or outgoing, or with other such Loud traits; they want to have ‘fun’. How on earth can the Subtle man hope to find someone who’ll accept, understood, respected and love them when women present themselves like that? It seems utterly hopeless.