To comfortably share an abode with a Subtle sort of person, one must extend but one basic principle to all dealings:
-Reduce social obligation and friction of association.
I must begin by explaining the difference of one’s room to the introvert and the extrovert.
For an extrovert, a room is a place to crash in between episodes of social activity. It’s just a tool required for basic rest and shelter.
For the introvert, one’s room is home, sanctuary, and all important private kingdom. One who is Subtle deals with a world that neither accepts nor understands their ways. The room is often the one place in the world where they can really feel safe and relaxed.
An extroverted roommate is one of the introverted person’s greatest fears: The fear that one who is grounded in the orthodox society brings that society with them into the room, effectively eliminating the last haven.
For an introvert, being forced to immerse in the hostile society even in their home is one of the greatest imaginable violations. I imagine that many an extrovert has found themself with an introverted roommate who was constantly surly, closed, and hostile, seemingly without reason.
Some intial steps:
-Keep your movies and music on headphones unless you’re both explicitly watching or listening to it.
-Don’t snap fingers, tap, clap, or slap your knees while listening to music/movies. These noisy antics are worse than second hand smoke.
-For phone calls, take the cell phone out in the hallway, and don’t talk loudly, especially to someone who’s not actually in the room. Extremely rude!
-Don’t make your room an entertaining center for groups of friends, especially not late at night or while all of you are drunk. If you wish for peace with an introvert, just bring in one or two friends at a time and don’t pursue any particularly loud or obtrusive activities. Asking permission, negotiating first will get you far. Actually, just showing respect by giving some form of advance notice is usually good enough.
This might seem like a lot to ask, but consider what all these situations have in common. By doing any of these things in the room, you are imposing your values and lifestyle on your roommate. You are deciding what your roommate will listen to, who they have to live with, and exactly when they have to do these things. You have decided that you are vested with the natural authority to make life decisions for your roommate! As far as an introvert is concerned, you might as well jump across the room, ransack their belongings, and piss all over their mattress.
If you persist with typical extrovert habits when you have an introverted roommate, you will needlessly make an enemy! An enemy who perceives that you have given up all rights to your personal living preferences and belongings. You will be accorded no respect because you never gave any. Your roommate will be watching for any weakness or means of forcing you out.
Your introverted roommate’s essential needs are very simple: one half of one room as their respected and safe domain. From the Subtle perspective, this is not only a reasonable demand, it seems cruel and miserly that someone who has the entire outside world on their side cannot be bothered to spare one 5×12 foot rectangle.
Other than that,
-Do not always give/expect greetings and farewells when leaving or arriving.
-Don’t impose your social expectations on your roommate.
-If in doubt whether it needs to be said, don’t say it.
-If you leave your roommate alone, your introverted roommate will happily reciprocate.
-IMPORTANT! DON’T disturb your introverted roomate if they are clearly concentrating on something unless it is very important.
Once you’ve shown basic respect, chances are, your Subtle roommate will grow comfortable and eventually actually approach you.
The key is that you cannot make control of the room into a social power struggle as extroverts naturally do. You have to respect your introvert roommate as an equal or no deal. Introverts operate according to tacit understandings and unseen contracts. What is most important does not need to be said because it is self evident from the nature of the situation.
Only when friction of association and social obligation are reduced to mutually acceptable levels are there grounds for friendly and harmonious co-existence.
15 Comments
I agree with this.I had to deal with mostly extroverted, nosey roommates in college and that wasn’t any fun. The best roommate I had was a girl who was probably introverted like me. The both of us never really brought any company into the living space and there was never any loud activity in the room. We knew how to respect each others’ space and we got along very well.
Most Western extroverted types have little understanding of extending respect through one’s actions.
They only understand giving of respect verbally.
Furthermore, they understand most of the world in terms of competition. It seems natural to them that even in their living space their ought to be establishment of hierarchy.
Most of them are flabbergasted when stuck with a roommate who won’t play their game. They quite simply have difficulty imagining things being done any other way.
If insecure, they might actually see an introvert’s countermeasures as a counterattack in the struggle for social dominance.
Ironically, it is introverts in such situations who are the ‘team players.’
I totally agree with you. You hit the nail on the head when you stated that a lot of extroverts only know how to give verbal respect. I had to deal with such a person at a former job. She was an extreme extrovert who I think prided herself on the fact that she knew how to respect people in a verbal sense. But she wasn’t very respectful when it came to respecting other people’s conversations and keeping her voice down so that other employees could feel comfortable within the work space. I became highly annoyed by her “loud” behavior and imposing behavior. And she seemed to have no awareness of why I might have an issue with her. After a while, I really could not stand to look at her.
Most extroverts are entirely focused on appearances and it makes them rather socially inept.
They don’t seem to understand that there’s a problem if their actions don’t match with their words.
Almost like small children, they don’t seem to understand that talking over someone else and doing it loudly is not very ingratiating.
This is the sort of attention getting behavior required to be successful, but it is also invasive, annoying, and abrasive!
That such people are rewarded by society for their poor behavior and that they don’t even seem to be aware of how annoying they truly are is doubly frustrating!
I am an extavert and I feel like you are liking us to jerks more than to our actual selves.
You might also want to consider that for us some of your behaviors come off as rude as well.
For the most part, I’ve ascribed difficulties with extroverts to their lack of ability to understand introverts. Because they do not understand, introverts have to stumble all over themselves to keep up appearances and not appear to be rude. Introverts understand that we will be misunderstood and appear rude to extroverts even if it is not our intention.
Is the extrovert being a jerk? Not really, but their expectations force the introvert to behave very unnaturally and spend a lot of time and effort just avoiding social catastrophe. It’s very draining and stressful and there’s no one to go to for help. The world sides with the extrovert’s point of view.
An introvert who gets an extrovert room mate has been cornered in their last refuge. Some sort of place an introvert has mastery over, even a 5X10 rectangle is the only thing that makes living in an extrovert society tolerable!
I’m an introverted female from culture that tends to be a lot more respectful of personal space. I married an American who is mildly extroverted and am raising two extroverted children. This article perfectly described not only the fact that I am uncomfortable in my own home, but also why I am uncomfortable. It’s been emailed and I hope that it will promote a greater understanding of why I’m a grudge holding, unyielding crankypants. Thank you for explaining why I can’t take three people’s music, video games, televisions, and constant chattering without gritting my teeth and wishing that everyone would just shut up, for once.
My roommate and I are the exact eptiome of this!!
I am extremely introverted (I only feel the need to hang out with friends or talk to other people literally twice a month; social interaction is not a human need for me) and prefer to read, study or surf the internet in my room during free time, while my roommate is an extreme extrovert (she is so extroverted, she cannot even spend more than 2 hours alone in her room. Yes, she is that insecure. She is ALWAYS talking to or hanging out with a group of friends – ALWAYS. She even has trouble sleeping by herself, and feels the need to sleep over at her friend’s place like 5 times a week!)
I suppose the good thing about my situation is that we live in an apartment-style dorm, which means we both have our own rooms, but share the kitchen, living room, and bathroom. That way, I at least have SOME degree of sanctuary from all the drama. I say “some” because she always brings her friends over, and they stay at our place until the freakin’ break of dawn – I am not kidding. Her group of friends crash at our place at like 10am in the morning, and stay here until like 3 or 4am in the morning. Even with my door closed, it doesn’t make that much of a difference because my roommate and her friends are LOUD and chatty, and I can clearly hear the noise through my door. My roommate has turned our living room and kitchen into an entertainment center for her friends, complete with frequent dinner parties and everything. And she has never even had the courtesy to inform me about when her friends will be crashing here – EVER. They just show up out of the blue, and I’m always like “WTF?? AGAIN??”
But this is no place to complain, and according to my situation, it would be wise of me to seek out a new roommate. But I can’t…no one is available, and I really don’t think there are any more extra dorm rooms available, seeing how it is already the middle of the school year. Plus, she and I hate each other, so trust me, all the talking between us that would be required if we were to seek “roommate mediation” from the RA, is completely out of the question.
I really don’t know what to do…I guess I just have to endure this hell until the end of the school year…hope I come out in one piece…
I feel your pain, Vivian. I am a total introvert that is living with an extreme extrovert. She can never just be alone. She has to go out every night of the week, which is fine with me, but she is too inconsiderate to not keep her drunk ass quiet when she comes home at 3am. She is never corteous enough to give me a heads up before friends come over. They are so loud! When she talks on her phone, she HAS to have every convo on speaker phone…even if I’m asleep!! She even has every corner of the shower filled with her stuff, except for one little corner that I claim. Like how can someone NOT know that they are taking over. Are extroverts that unaware of someone’s personal space?! They don’t realize that they by “trying” to be social with us, they are pushing us away. From the beginning, it has made her mad that I spend most of my free time in my room with the door shut. She has always found it to be rude and figured that I hated her. All I can think is “are you that insecure that you must act pissy with me because you think one person doesn’t like you?!” If she had problems with her friends, it was as if her world was ending. In her mid-twenties, she acts like a high-schooler. Every convo she has had with me has consisted of “I was sooo drunk, man….” Never once has she ever stepped out of her selfishness and just asked how I’VE been. Unfortunately, she spent so much time wondering if I hated her or pushing a friendship on me, that she didn’t realize that if she would’ve just left it alone and let me come to her in my own time, it would not have had to end this way.
We are finally ending the school year and moving out of the apt., but she hates me-lol. I actually don’t care either because that means she leaves me alone-lol. It just makes my own home very uncomfortable to live in. This is supposed to be my sanctuary…my one place away from the world where I can just be myself, and instead I have had to pretend to be nice and walk on egg shells for 10 months so my living environment can be somewhat tolerable. I am so exhausted!!
I don’t agree with this at all. It follows this concept I like to call Compromise Sympathy. The person who appears to be weaker and needing more care seems to always gets sympathy and thus, there way. In a sense the compromise isn’t actually a compromise, but rather a way to keep the opposite happy while giving up some yourself and the opposite giving up nothing in return. This article only points out ways an extrovert can give up things to please an introvert, but not ways an introvert can give up things to please an extrovert. Nor does it offer a middle ground (or compromise). In this entire article as well as most of the comments, the introvert is always painted as the victim.
I totally agree with the other extroverts here. I like to think of myself as someone who is capable of spending a lot of time alone, and a lot of time with other people and still live a rather stable life.
I like my privacy and my own things, but I do like to go out, get drunk and be social, chatty and listen to music. I currently live in a house with three introverts who are unwilling to compromise with me and they do all they can to just avoid me. Their avoidant behaviour makes me extremely uncomfortable as they are always keeping to themelves. Any action that I try to make to break this barrier and to ACTUALLY befriend these people is just turned against me and they avoid me even more.
Every time I have people over, even if its just 1 or 2 friends, my roommates either hide themselves away or they pretend not to be bothered, but I can see from the look on their faces and just their body language that they are upset. I find that its the other way around as well… I respect their privacy, but they’re just too touchy about everything.. I think a lot of introverts just need to stop being so fucking touchy and uptight.
They like to say that they’re introverted and enjoy being alone, but my one roommate constantly talks to people online and rarely speaks to me in person. Its like as soon as I enter the room I have silently become the Antagonist to the entire household. It drives me nuts. I like quiet, and I like maintaining a nice home.. None of these people feel it their need to WORK TOGETHER to maintain the householld. They want to deal with their stuff, and their stuf only. Public parts of the house, like the cleanliness of the houses’ floors, never get done because ‘its not their mess.’
This article is very true in many aspects, but I feel like a lot of introverts are just fragmented people that need to grow up and muster up CONFIDENCE in who they are.. especially to the people they’re fucking living with. At heart I am an introvert, but I grew up and got more mature.. I let people see who I am, and I did it by getting over my anxiety and all those tiny immature little inhibitions
The feeling I get here is that ‘nice home’ = your stuff. You’ve tried to make your stuff everybody’s stuff and now it’s 3 vs. 1.
It sounds to me like they might be a little messier than you are and you’ve repeatedly tried to impose your sense of order on them. They may perceive you as nagging. I don’t get the vibe from you that you’ve compromised with them on house duties but that you’ve taken it on yourself to decide what’s good for the house.
Your implied main argument: “Other extroverts would agree with my definition of what constitutes a nice house, therefore, the three of you should defer to me.”
How that sounds to them is: “I’ve declared social majority rule. I call the shots around here.”
To those introverts, avoidance is compromise. What they are saying through their actions: “Even if you’re not our favorite person on earth: You do your thing, we’ll do ours.”
Compromise doesn’t mean they have to be your buddies or that they have to entertain your houseguests. It does mean that they shouldn’t interfere with your business regardless of their personal feelings and they hold up their end of the bargain by withdrawing to their quarters.
From their perspective you are breaching the compromise by trying to involve them in your stuff.
As often happens in introvert/extrovert situations, their avoidance behavior has triggered the opposite reaction they were looking for. Their reflex: escalate avoidance behaviors, as the original avoidance behaviors don’t seem to have gotten the point across.
They likely feel they are shouting out their feelings to you loud and clear and feel frustration that you do not understand. It is not likely that they will ever directly confront you. More likely, they will resort to more passive aggressive behaviors and wonder why you just don’t get it.
And let’s face it: in your eyes they are immature, ‘fragmented’ people with no confidence. Just as you have been reading their body language, they are constantly watching yours.
Introverts are used to receiving contempt: they actively look for the telltale signs. Rest assured that you are broadcasting your true feelings.
Whatever the causes,
It seems some introverts actually managed to form a social bloc.
You have ended up as the odd one out and gotten a tiny taste of how those introverts feel every time they leave that house and enter your world.(This is why they only leave when they must)
The introverts might not be overly sympathetic because they may have been repeatedly trodden on and excluded by people with personality traits similar to yours. As a result they may not easily like or trust you.
They may even take some pleasure in walking on you, excluding you, and watching you squirm. I’m not saying that what they might be doing is by any means angelic, but in their eyes, they are just returning the favor.
Brit, the introvert mostly just wants to be left alone within the bounds of 5 x 10 rectangle, 1/2 of one room. Insisting on one tiny safe space is somehow imposing on the other party?
Defending oneself from late night disruptions and noise caused by another is somehow asking a special favor?
This is just someone trying to set down some basic rules to live by that are acceptable to both parties. In other words, a compromise.
You’ve tried to depict this as a case of the squeaky wheel getting the grease.
This reflects typical extroverted thinking: an attempt to negotiate = complaining. Complaining = a manipulative ploy to out-assert your competitor and get what you want at their expense.
What does an introvert offer in return for fair treatment?: They’ll happily leave you alone and do as little as possible to interfere in your business. They just wanted to be left in peace in the first place.
sorry I mean “their” way. Also most of the people replying to this are introvert, which clearly shows that this article is geared toward introverts and paints all extroverts as “bad people”.
I am biased in favor of introverts.
It comes as a shock to some because most every main stream channel of communication has a strong extrovert bias.
I don’t think the typical extrovert bias proposes that introverts are ‘bad people,’ just that they are the Incorrect type of people.
You will probably find the inverse to be true where the introvert views rule.
Every group has its orthodoxy.
And every orthodoxy implicitly defines the heterodox.