Monthly Archives: December 2008

The Myth of Extrovert Empathy

Popular belief would have it that being effusively social in nature is to be more empathetic, more in tune with others’ feelings.  I would say from personal observation however that the opposite is true.

Extroverts are adept at picking up every little sign that flickers across the surface.  They are excellent at functioning in groups, quickly perceiving hierarchies and balances of power.  They know how to be friendly to everyone when it suits them, and will talk about their personal matters to anyone.  They love to be around people as a whole but not necessarily persons.

This is where the introvert reigns.  One who knows how to listen, who isn’t worried about dominating a given social interaction is far better at dealing with people one on one.  Introverts understand that most people’s public persona is just a defense and are intrigued by what lies underneath.  They understand it takes time and patience to know someone well, that one cannot really be spoken with until they are removed from surrounding social pressures.

An extrovert considers those who fail to impress them in the first two minutes boring.  Persons are a commodity, if one fails to entertain, there’s always another more sensational channel to flip to.  The crowds of people they gravitate towards ensure that there is an unlimited pool of persons through whom they can rotate at will.  Extroverts are perhaps thought to be the empathizers because they loudly express sympathy should they learn of anyone’s misfortune.  Then they move on to the next thing.

An extrovert measures their social life and that of others by how many friends, social contacts, how many social events they are invited to.

An introvert measures their social life by the quality of the people they have chosen to count as friends and of those whom they have had the opportunity to know.

When the world has turned on you, when you need someone to listen and understand, or at least really try to understand what you’ve been through.  It is an introvert you are searching for.

The Social Ineptitude of the Extroverted

The social scene formed by introverts is about substance over form, the process of interaction is a tool and source of recreation.   A line is crossed in the introvert culture when what is a resource becomes a tyrant, a distraction, a source of white noise.

Many introverts find it onerous just to give daily greetings to people, especially if it’s lots of people.   Their reluctance to observe basic niceties is thought of as rudeness by the larger society, even though there is no intention to be rude. 

The greeting/nicety being gone through is just a rote reflex, a meaningless procedure in the world view of one who looks to substance over form.  It is an annoyance and a pain to waste the powerful tool of language saying the same greeting that is said every day with the same affectation of feeling required to mask the underlying annoyance.

What the loud person does not understand is that THEY are being rude.  They maneuver the introvert in question into a position where they MUST respond or suffer censure from the mass society in which they are involved.  How can a  greeting or good wishes mean anything if it must be given on pain of social shaming and punishment?  The cheerful person demanding the greeting is rude, insensitive, a coercer.  The scripted response/action to any such situation is done for the sake of sociability.  Yet for introverts, who do not define themselves by society, is to be put in an upside down situation.  Society is to serve the individuals within it or else they would be better off alone!  The fundamental purpose is perverted when one becomes used by the tool.
So it is an introvert’s nightmare that one must dance like a clockwork figurine when presented with a stimulus that demands a preset response.

To put it succinctly: take the statement. “15 minutes early is on time.”
The statement contradicts itself, 15 minutes early can’t be early.
Similarly, smiling and greeting every acquaintance one runs into on a busy morning is done out of obligation and fear of punishment. Therefore, niceties can’t be nice.

The Social Introvert

Socialites know that as socialites they are thought by others to be enjoying their lives. They spend any amount of time or money and go to any measure to simulate the appearance of ‘enjoying the hell out of life.’ Whether they really are enjoying it… that is a question they would have no real answer to because it is irrelevant to their reality. A thoughtful answer would require a sort of self-reflection from which they have largely divorced themselves.  The life of the socialite comes with many perks, but the appearance of glamor takes precedence over whether something is actually exciting or glamorous.

Introverts do require social time, but it does not define them. They do not avoid human interaction so much as they engage in a different kind of interaction. The introvert finds what is truly fascinating and engaging under the most unassuming surfaces. It typically takes place with small groups of proven friends or within communities centered around specialized interests and hobbies. Societies and social gatherings on the introverted side are not about becoming what one is expected to be but rather each member helping the others to become what they were meant to be.

Introversion: An Advantage In Teaching

I’ve done some teaching, and as an introvert, found myself surpisingly well suited to it.

I think a lot of extroverts have to fight their craving for human interaction in the classroom, much as some people might have to exercise self-restraint in a shopping mall or at a car dealership.

Extroverted teachers I think have a greater need for approval from their students, feel an urge to interact with their students on a more personal level.

As an introvert, I think my students sensed I was removed from them. Without the distractions a more extroverted person might deal with, I found myself able to get to the point and stay focused on the task at hand.
The kids sensed that I couldn’t care less what they thought of me. I had an easier time keeping my bearing as an authority figure than a more bubbly person would, and commanded a certain respect because I wasn’t trying for it.

As far as developing warm feelings for students and learning about their personal lives, that came too, but AFTER I became established as the instructor.

Getting my social interaction at work was like a pay bonus for me. It satisfied my needs in full, leaving me free in the evening to do pursue my personal activities.

In short, I would challenge the common wisdom that the best teachers are necessarily bubbly and extroverted individuals.
Or for any public position.
The best preacher I’ve ever known was an introvert. He got in his social time while working and read extensively in his spare time. His wide knowledge made his sermons particularly interesting to listen to. His more methodical introverted manner and ability to listen made him an exceptional personal counselor.

The Worlds of Sun and Moon

I have seen again and again how extroverts move through society easier than I do, but the price is high. What is proper in society only enjoys such status merely by being upheld by the sheer inertia of being accepted as a standard within a group. No matter how silly, how stupid, how random, a new social development might be, the most extroverted of the population are all but chained to it for good or for ill. They are slaves to fashion, struggling to change like chameleons according to every breeze that ripples the texture of the collective. In rapid paced modern societies, their very identities are inseperable from the chaos; it’s enough to reduce them all to nervous wrecks. In my experience, extroverts are more successful in attaining status and finding mates, but they are constantly stressed out and in turmoil. Ironically, they have no means by which to appreciate their greater success because they figure their happiness relative to whatever group they happen to be a part of.

True extroverts cannot be masters of their own happiness, because they are happy only according to, and by permission of their group. Whether they are happy or wretched is a roll of the dice whether they are high or low in status.

To really be at peace with oneself requires having a well-defined discrete identity and the ability to identify one’s personal needs and satisfy them. Some degree of introversion is required to accomplish this. Whether the introvert accomplishes more or less is a moot point: it requires some degree of introversion for inner peace and for any concept of good or accomplishment to be independent from the monolithic, impersonal forces that govern mass societies.

I have found even survival in this world difficult, yet I have found again and again whenever it comes to a moment of decision that I would not trade my life for that of the socialite under any circumstances.

I find both the greatest joys and the greatest meaning of my life in the peaceful and independent hours. What it costs me in terms of social capital is of peripheral concern, so long as I can figure a means to food and shelter. I require far less for happiness than does the extravert, and it is a more serene, more reliable happiness than can be found in the endless excitations and fluctuations of a highly social life.

Form and Substance

One of the great fundamental differences between the Extro and Intro

Extrovert:  Form over substance

Introvert:  Substance over form

Extroverts are perceived as ‘leaders’ as ‘having initiative’ as being ‘achievers.’  However, most of this is an illusion; a combination of the intrinsic quality of valuing form over substance and possessing by default the favored template.

In all aspects of life, the extrovert creates the appearance of being glamorous, driven, and interesting.  Spending time alone is a supreme torture, because to be forced to spend time alone is to confront the inner vacuum.  If the veneer is what gets attention/money, then it is what matters.

In all aspects of life, the introvert strives to do and achieve things of substance, at the expense of appearances if need be.  What something looks like is incidental to what it actually is.  Spending time in social environments that are all about appearances, jockeying for position, and small talk is a supreme torture.  To do so is to confront the fact that most people around have opposite values to their own.  To be forced to participate is to live in a hostile country.  It is a waste of precious time alive, the veneer is an insubstantial shadow and a distraction.

The First

An introvert is not someone who just needs to ‘get out more’ and ’learn to not be so shy’ but a person with a seperate philosophy of life from the noisy majority.  98% percent of talk is small talk.  It leads to nothing, is spouted out for its own sake without consideration.  It is a waste of time and energy.  It is pollution.  It is mandatory.  Those who do not subscribe to a lifestyle of loghorrhea and chronic mass gatherings invested with false importance are known as ‘introverts.’

The term is loaded with negative connotations, but I will use it, because it is the word most used in the common sphere.  As such, after a lifetime in the predominant noise culture, I am less than inclined to be charitable in my terms towards the extroverted.  It might be tempting right here at the beginning to label me as bitter.  Perhaps, but the important thing is that I am one who disagrees with the prevailing practices and am on the internet looking to find the like-minded and inform more extroverted individuals.  By approaching the matter with candor, without politically correct hedging, I would strive to communicate more effectively to whomever might come here.  To write without such constraints is precisely the purpose of writing incognito on the internet.

To begin I would establish the underlying premise of all that follows here:

Introverts are not people who are shy or talk less.  They are an altogether different culture with different values.