Extroverts and the Concept of ‘Deserval’

We turn on the TV and encountering the concept is inevitable:

“I deserve it.” says a waifish, urban thirty-something woman as she justifies buying that expensive dress or that decadent slice of raspberry chocolate cheesecake in the store window.

“Why pay more? We’ll give you the low price you deserve!” says the affable fortyish car salesman with a silver buckle and cowboy hat during the commercial break.

When we turn off the TV encountering the concept is inevitable:

Most extroverts seem to have a concept that there are things they ‘deserve:’

Lower prices, a raise, free health care, flexible mortgage rates, a pension, a secure retirement, a facial, a new set of power tools, disposable income, a stable career, honest politicians……….

How do they decide what they deserve?  Why do they deserve it?  Isn’t the whole idea of deserving completely subjective and fluid?  Another TV cliche comes to mind:

Henchman: Master, I brought you the power crystal as you commanded!  (hands it over)

Cardboard Cutout Villain:  Ah, finally!  I have it now.  Now I will give you exactly what you deserve!

*Henchman greedily anticipates goodies right up to the moment Villain pointlessly kills him with the power crystal*

As an introvert I looked to history and to the people around me without finding any sensical answer.  I was confused.  Surely the concept of deserving was entirely meaningless.  No one gets what they want just because they decide they deserve it!  Why would anyone actually be swayed or flattered by a sycophant assuring you that you ‘deserve’ more?  Why would someone justify their actions with ‘deserval.’  What do they see in the whole empty idea of deserving something?

I got an inkling when I for a time interacted with kids in a classroom setting.  The people I was working for insisted I give the kids points for answering questions in class and taking away points when they misbehaved or didn’t turn in homework.  There was an entire elaborate system on the board for everyone to see with a tally of total points for every kid who passed through the room in the course of a day.  The kids had created an entire system of social prestige around these point rankings that they took very seriously.

Children have a very strong sense of a primal, tribal level sense of social justice.  They would be horrified if they thought one of the students deserved a point and I hadn’t given it.

When given an extra point on accident, even the beneficiary would instantly come forth and tell me to take away the undeserved point.

The kids always screamed for the worst possible punishment for anyone they saw breaking the rules.  When punished themselves, they accepted it glumly but without question.  As much as they hated punishment, they seemed to concede that they deserved it.

I realized that most of these children, especially the extroverted ones carry some semblance of this tribal level concept of social justice into adult life.

I began to realize I was rather strange for not having an intuitive grasp of ‘deserve.’  Upon further reflection I realize that the whole idea ceased to have meaning for me long ago during my own childhood.  Living as an outsider from the outset, I took plenty of punishment just by virtue of being insufficiently protected from the pent up malice of others.   It was clear I hadn’t done anything bad to anger those who gave me difficulty.  There was no reason for any of it.  Whether I deserved or didn’t deserve had no meaning at all.

As an introvert, I was never truly part of the tacitly understood justice system that governed most of the other children.  Partly because of my fundamental personality and predispositions, partly because of the isolation created by my predispositions, I never fully acquired the concept of ‘deserval.’  In absence of this tribal justice, I viewed the school world around me in terms of power relationships.  Bullies didn’t deserve to have power.  They had power because they were able to take power.  Really quite simple.  I also had an inkling at an early age that bullies would never treat insiders the same way as outsiders.  They would even be quite deferent to someone higher ranking.  Was there any reason the people the bullies respected deserved respect?  Not really.  They just had more power.

A group of kids who knew each other in a structured classroom environment functioned well using their inborn senses of deserval.   The point system I had to use made abundantly clear how every kid in the classroom was aware of the exact prestige level of every other kid.  Each kid had an astoundingly precise mental tally of what every other kid deserved or didn’t deserve in class.  Their feelings of justice and injustice were visceral and resulted in emotional protest whenever there was the slightest breach.

Now let’s look at these kids as adults.  Most of adult life takes place outside of a structured classroom and they live in a society full of millions of strangers.  The tribal level deserval impulse runs amok in this environment.  When most people they meet have outsider status, they are not subject to tribal ethics.  Furthermore everyone needs to compete to get ahead.  Even people who aren’t strangers are often competitors.  As pressure increases, everyone has to work hard for survival and for prestige.  When people work hard just to make it, the deserval meter goes right off the charts.  However, they’re hard pressed to find anyone who will acknowledge the fullness of what they think they deserve. There’s no impartial chief or arbitrator keeping track of points on the board.  Most adults get cheated out of what they deserve.  The daily flouting of their intuitive systems of justice makes them increasingly sure that they deserve compensation while others deserve punishment.  Thus getting what they deserve by any means becomes justified on the most deeply visceral level.  Since others do not even seem to acknowledge the intuitive justice system, they are outsiders who do not need to accommodated or given consideration anyway.

This ‘justice gap’ attitude seeps into all of life until a Surface person sincerely believes they deserve to eat raspberry chocolate cheese cake without paying the consequences of eating it.  On the most primal level, deserving is about compensation for the crushing pressure and wrongs inflicted by an unjust life.  When ‘compensation’ is inevitably canceled out by consequences, the Surface person has been cheated yet again of getting any closer to a measure of tribal justice.

The deep and unobtainable nature of this compensation fantasy makes it ideal content for advertising.  What better way to reach people than to promise to soothe their battered egos, to promise to scratch that itch they can never quite seem to reach, to relieve the hurt that nothing seems to cure?

Introversion and Schizoid Traits

Not so long ago, I was dropped a link by a reader to wikipedia’s entry on schizoid personality disorder.  I was shocked as I read it over.

I read through the descriptions and lists on this page and found that to some degree  I could be seen as exhibiting every single characteristic.

Like narcissism, this schizoid assessment can be kind of tricky.  Obviously, everyone is narcissistic to some degree.  It’s the inevitable result of living as ourselves and no one else.  Where then does normality end and disorder begin?

The same problem with a schizoid personality disorder.  A schizoid personality type shares many traits with introversion(or introversion is considered part of being schizoid) and is considered to usually be within the spectrum of normally functional individuals.  Disorder is diagnosed at the extreme ends of this schizoid spectrum.

Since there’s so much misunderstanding of introverts, I have to wonder if defining schizoids can end up pathologizing introverted traits that are merely incongruent with the mass society.

Here is one of the lists of ’symptoms’ from the article with my comments on each:

-Emotional coldness, detachment or reduced affection.

(Defensive behaviors against a hostile society force one to emotionally detach in order to cope and survive.  It’s hard to be bright and cheerful while being defensive.)

-Limited capacity to express either positive or negative emotions towards others.

(Defensive habits make it difficult to really open up to others.  Without regular uninhibited social interaction one really gets out of practice.  If one grew up under such circumstances, it’s possible one never learned certain basic social conventions during critical formative stages.)

-Consistent preference for solitary activities.

(If others don’t share your interests, what else are you going to do?  Worse, they’ll probably criticize and ridicule if they find out.  Solitary becomes necessary!)

-Very few, if any, close friends or relationships, and a lack of desire for such.

(So little in common with others that it can be hard to find anyone who’s compatible.)

-Indifference to either praise or criticism.

(Does so many things outside of regular society that one stops caring whether others approve or disapprove.  One has to stop caring to stay sane!)

Taking pleasure in few, if any, activities.

(If one is forced to pursue one’s favorite activities solitarily and secretly then it seems as though one takes pleasure in nothing by the light of day.  Could perhaps be rewritten as: Taking pleasure in few if any socially approved activities.)

-Indifference to social norms and conventions.

(Social norms cause pain and inconvenience.  They stand against one’s personality and preferences.  If permitted to rule over one’s life, the result could only be a denial of one’s deepest self.  They are ignored when possible.)

-Preoccupation with fantasy and introspection.

(It’s a great way of compartmentalizing life and getting through all the rough parts without an excess of pain.  It’s another defense.  Who doesn’t daydream in unpleasant and boring situations?  Furthermore, the inner life is where the outer life is interpreted.  It is in the inner realm where patterns are seen and truth is discovered.  If dreams are a way for our minds to interpret, store, and clean up a day worth of overwhelming inputs, a fantasy life while awake can serve much the same function.)

-Lack of desire for sexual experiences with another person.

(Sexual experiences require lots of social skill and status.  Most importantly, it requires revealing oneself to someone who probably adheres to the conventional society.  Only criticism and censure could ensue.)

While a true excess of any of these traits could be construed as a disorder, I see many ways that a fairly normal introverted person could receive a disorder diagnosis.  Rather than truly being emotionally cold or lacking desire to be with other human beings, such an individual could be easily misunderstood, their actions misinterpreted.  I can’t help but notice that solitary activities are a criteria for disorder without any concern for

why the activities are being pursued solitarily or

why there are few friends or sexual relationships.

why there is an unusual reliance on defense mechanisms, emotional detachment, or fantasy just to get through a day

Upon examination it starts seeming less like a mental problem and more like a way of singling out social misfits.

In fact, the social history of an introvert can often be characterized as a long history of misdiagnosis and being singled out.  Many people I’ve encountered in life have assumed the worst about me at every turn.  So much so that I expect it out of people and have to go out of my way to be extra polite and carefully avoid conflict.  I find the schizoid definitions to be an organized list of ways extroverts have misunderstood and then reacted.

I Hate Cold Calling

For an introvert few tasks can be as daunting and titanic as making a cold call.  The very idea of disturbing an unseen stranger over the telephone fills us with anxiety.

-We wouldn’t want to be called by an unseen stranger who just wants something from us.  Why would someone else want to be?  Any ensuing conversation is bound to be an awkward exchange between two people who really don’t want to talk, but are compelled by some overriding necessity.  The tension is bound to be palpable.  This type of interaction is about as pleasant as nails screeching across a chalkboard.

-If only we could do it over the internet somehow without having to talk with anyone!

-We tend to put it off to the last possible moment.  Almost better to wait until the progression of events makes phone calls a moot point.  A mild loss incurred by doing so is probably worth it.  For important calls, I used to spend a few minutes just staring at the number pad before being able to spiritually prepare myself for dialing that number.  I would even have a few false starts dialing before I got through the whole number.

-There’s that horrible pause before it starts ringing, then the ringing starts.  Secretly we hope for every successive ring hoping that no one will answer.  If no one answers, we curse our luck that we couldn’t have just gotten it over with.

-It takes a lot of will power to make each subsequent attempt.  Like lancing a boil, the longer we wait, the more attempts, the more unpleasant it becomes.  The more unpleasant it becomes, the more will it takes to make another attempt.

-Even when we’ve made the call and someone answers, we’re too upset and nervous about infringing on someone else to really push them and demand their services and time in full.  Thus, a rep who’s used to dealing with assertive extroverts senses they can spend a bare minimum of time on us and quickly gets us off the line.  We end up not really accomplishing what we set out to do anyway!  At best we accomplish the bare minimum before we can end the unpleasantness and get off the line.

-An extrovert comes by and asks about the results of the phone call.  Their brow creases in confusion at our account of the conversation.  They respond:

“Why didn’t you ask this question?”

“Or this question?”

“Why didn’t you get a more detailed answer so we can be absolutely sure?”

“Why didn’t you push them until they gave in by doing this?”

“Why didn’t you make the call earlier?”/”Why did you just get around to making the call now?”

“Why don’t you call again?”

There’s a leaden feeling in the stomach.  All that effort and anxiety and it wasn’t nearly enough.  Why even bother.

I’ve gotten a lot better over the years out of necessity.  It’s no longer a trial by fire and I no longer have to deal with lots of anxiety but it’s still not exactly my favorite activity.  I still always check for any way around making a cold call if it can be avoided.  Therein lies my problem.  I see cold calling as a last resort.  An extrovert sees cold calling and taking up time on the line as their first choice.

Life After Mass Society?

I received this comment from a reader:

Hey this is Adi. I have been reading a lot of your posts and like this blog a lot and I am posting for the first time.

I have a question that has been bugging me since I first started reading some of your posts. Before that let me clarify that I am your fellow intorvert as well. What I want to ask is, I still don’t understand a purpose of life that doesn’t involve social success and achieving a position in society. Because, the way I have been growing up, a lot of things that you have mentioned are extrovert traits are, the ones I have possessed too in spite of being an introvert. And yes, the way you have stated earlier, I too have wished that I was a person who is sought after by people, can make social bonds easily. But it hasn’t happened and then after realizing my true selves, I have started accepting myself. But still, I do not understand the purpose of life if you remain completely detached and aloof from society. Can you explain what are you living this life for? One example could be living for a very crazy passion if you do possess one. But what if you don’t?

Someone gets all the certificates and learns a skill.
Then the skill abruptly goes obsolete or gets outsourced.  All that effort for nothing.

Someone works for a lifetime and then retires.
They ask themselves, “Why am I still here.”

Someone comes up with a great idea or does the majority of the work on a project.
Their manager takes all the credit and moves up yet another notch on the ladder.

Does all that social stuff really give us purpose or does it merely distract us from questions of purpose?
You can get rewards and praise for doing what the society values, but is it all just noise that distracts from asking whether society values the right things, or whether the society is good and just?
What kind of person makes it to the top of society?  Are these the people who should be on top?  Are they good and just?
Does society care about you to the degree you care about it?  Can a mass society care about you?  If it can’t care, are you just another insignificant worker bee?  How then does society provide us with purpose or meaning?

Does it matter how many gold stars society puts on your forehead if you’ve not learned to be happy with who you are?  If somebody took away those gold stars tomorrow, what would remain?  If you lived for the gold stars and they’re gone now, who are you?

If one doesn’t have any ‘very crazy’ passions, perhaps they should explore and find some.

You’ve brought up excellent questions.  Questions that open up more questions.  Questions that can be scary to confront.  But there is a much deeper sense of peace and identity when we begin to figure out the answers.

When you don’t let the sum of all people(society) dictate who you are, the result is immense freedom.  This freedom has nothing to do with going off to a mountain monastery or living as a hermit.  It’s a state of mind that allows you to perceive the world around you differently:
Think of it this way:

Imagine someone living in a fabulously wealthy society where everyone is expected to have a palace.
This person feels stressed out, unhappy, and ‘poor’ because they can only afford a sumptuous Victorian mansion(butler included).  So long as social expectations define their world view, they will remain unhappy no matter what fantastic luxuries they might have.  Circumstances might change but the big questions are constant.  “How will I get what they have?”, “What will they think?”, What will they say?”

As soon as the person begins to derive expectations from within,  they see the mansion through new eyes.   The person is free to perceive its beauty for the very first time.  It is no longer a disgusting source of social shame, it is a house.  An enormous house abundantly equipped to fulfill every possible human need.  A house far bigger than anyone could possibly need.   Suddenly, it seems ludicrous that one’s life purpose could have been chasing after a still bigger house.  Surely it was never a purpose at all, just a way to pass the time until death.

The Mark of Cain

No matter where you go, nothing changes that much.  Each new set of people behaves much as the last.  A past history of low social rank or outright social exclusion leaves its mark that follows us around wherever we go.  One begins to appreciate just how effective human beings are at being social animals, just how competitive social existence is. Almost regardless of intelligence level, people can make a quick call based on how someone speaks(0r doesn’t speak) and holds their shoulders.  They always know on that gut level whether or not you’re confident and capable of defending yourself.  Whether or not you have friends and allies to back you up.  Whether or not you would be a useful ally to them.  The past keeps repeating itself, it’s a tough cycle to break out of.   There’s a couple days(at most) after meeting each new group of people before one is put into their place.  For lots of introverts it’s the same place time after time, no matter how they might scramble to put on appearances during that brief introductory period.  It’s like going through life with a mark of Cain imprinted in one’s forehead as one wanders from place to place.

Most people automatically perform these social processes and have little or no conscious awareness of what they do.  For the pensive introvert, they are painfully obvious even as they see yet another group going through its predictable motions.

Introverts vs. Extroverts: Learning

The acquisition of knowledge has a very different meaning to introverts and extroverts.

Extroverts:  Learning is a means to an ends

Introverts: Learning is an end unto itself.

Extroverts learn something so they can get something.  They usually have a very precise goal for pursuing information.  What is their goal?  It is almost always to get some kind of socially recognized title or certificate.  Without some kind of tangible end result that manifests in one’s social relationships, there is no reason at all to learn.  It is a very typical pattern for an extrovert to plow through countless dry textbooks in order to be awarded some crucial social distinction and then be perfectly happy never again reading another book.  After all books are a waste of time once one has ‘punched the ticket.’  Thereafter, from the Loud perspective, it’s the water cooler interactions and the networking that matters.  For an extrovert, learning is something that is done to you by others.  To teach oneself would be unthinkable, and well, even if it could be done, it would be boring.  Most importantly, one would go through endless hours of trouble without even a promised social stamp of approval at the end.

Introverts learn something because it is fun.  There may not be any immediate or tangible goal.  Or rather, there are multiple goals, some of them tangible and others more in the realm of dream.   Learning is the lifeblood and life purpose of the true introvert.   They will acquire whatever knowledge is necessary to make it in society, but will continue to both broaden and augment their knowledge throughout their lives.  Or often, the recreational accumulation of knowledge and skills gives an introvert everything they need to succeed.   It is a very typical pattern for an introvert to get the skills they need and then keep on learning and expanding just as before.  They read books to get where they are, they keep on reading until the grave.  For the true introvert, all learning starts with the personal volition to learn and love of knowledge.  Learning starts with the self and not with society and social institutions.  An introvert gets formal instruction because they too need formal stamps of approval and because they genuinely enjoy social interaction that revolves around the exchange of information.  However, the instruction of others is just a tool that facilitates the process of self-learning.  From the Subtle perspective learning is not done to us.  Rather we do it to ourselves out of love of knowledge and get help from others along the way.  Social stamps of approval are nice, but they never were the source of motivation.  There is no end to learning.  Instead, it is a personal lifelong journey.

The Insanity of Defining the Self By Society

Very recently, I found myself on one of Southern California’s mega highways in the company of a highly extroverted friend of mine.

3 PM had just hit and we were desperately struggling to get free of the LA area before it was too late.

‘We’ll be fine once we get past the 605′ he said.  On his cell phone roadmap, we could see red zones of congestion spreading by the minute.

Almost by the minute, traffic was moving slower and slower.  Without a guardian spirit on our side, we would soon be gridlocked.

In these type of Calfornian conditions, one is looking down four enormous completely packed lanes.  One can see thousands upon thousands of cars stretching into the distance.  There’s plenty of time to look around and take stock of everyone else’s hummers, luxury SUVs, audis, and lexuses.  All of these high end vehicles as far as the eye can see.  Thousands upon thousands stretching into the distance.  The remarkable and respectable becomes banal and vulgar.  The bar of competition rises that much higher.  Late on a cloudy afternoon, people’s headlights start to come on.  Countless pairs of glowing insectoid eyes fill the view of every driver.

Suddenly the whole place and its sheer excess made sense to me.  I  turned to my friend and goaded him.  “I think I get SoCal now.” I told him.  “You all are in your little car among millions and have to tell yourselves, ‘I’m not just another drone like all those people I see around me.’   You have to be able to tell yourselves that you are better.  It drives all of you to your famous levels of ambition.”

My friend has run for political office, has the social graces to charm an entire room full of people and become the life of the party.  He is highly intelligent and can engage people at a cocktail party on nearly any subject.  He can speak fluent Spanish and is as comfortable deer hunting in the mountains as he is sipping port and taking a fine cigar at his favorite watering hole.  In short, he is a very electable person.

He had to concede that indeed he had to believe that he was not just another drone.  That he was a unique SoCal overachiever, not just the regular kind.  He chuckled at these existential dilemmas because it’s kind of a game between us.  Yet he will continue his life’s task toward recognition regardless.

Earlier, that day in L.A., I had noticed the exact same phenomenon we experienced on that highway.  It was just like Ancient Rome with its seven hills or even an ancient Mesopotomian city with ziggurats towering over the common hovels.  In every day life, there was no escaping the life-defining fact of social competition.  The richest and poorest of a nation are there in the same place at the same time.  On the heights are the palaces of the winners.  In the flatland gaps between hills are places where even the city’s 13,000 cops don’t dare to go.  Never before had I seen such stark contrast.

I saw one winner’s balcony in particular jutting out over a crowded shambles below.  “They must come out and give Benediction to the Masses,”  I joked.  My friend had cracked up as I raised my arms in imitation of the Pope.  Surprise, surprise, more than one person has called me a cynic and condemned the dark nature of my humor.

The whole place was spectacular in its glorious decadence and inconceivable squalor.  Each one was all the more striking for the other.  I saw hordes of people without a penny within sight of the famous Hollywood sign.

L.A. is an excess even for my friend.  He much prefers the more moderate and austere character of San Diego.  Once we had gotten past the 605 we were free to zoom wherever we pleased through the Californian countryside.

It was dark outside and quiet as we drove along.  “It’s completely insane.” I said, still stunned by the day’s experience.

“Yes,” he agreed.  “Insane.”

It was more evident to me than ever that it is pure folly to allow society to define oneself.  It is foolishness and futility to judge oneself by the masses.  Without self-definition first one becomes lost in a cruel and elemental jungle of arbitrary social distinctions.

So long as I self-define, I could live in peace even sleeping on a bus bench at the foot of a hill slathered with the homes of famous actors.  The famous actors on high are no doubt busily competing amongst one another.  No matter their luxurious trappings, the character of their existence could not be said to be essentially different from that in the slums below.  No matter who you are, there are always bigger fish, and if no bigger fish, life’s purpose has come to an end.

Extroverts Vs. Introverts: Survival of the Fittest

Why is extroversion better?

The answer is common sense for the extrovert.  When we look at the world around us, extroverts are in demand, have higher status, are the life of the party, get what they want.  In the competitive jungle of society the fittest survive.  The extroverts who fight their way to the top are clearly the fittest, the introvert who can’t even find friends or make contacts with powerful people is a clear loser of the game.   Extroverts understand ‘fitness’ as one football team eliminating another from the playoffs, one worker getting that promotion over another.  Extrovert fitness is the concept that one achieves survival in direct competition by having greater prowess and determination than one’s rivals.  “May the best man win.”

The truth, however, is that ‘fitness’ is a minimalist proposition.  In nature, those creatures that reproduce the most for as little cost as possible win.  This often doesn’t mean being competitive in any way that occurs to Loud people.  After all, one can hardly imagine a stadium full of fans screaming fanatically for a team called the ‘dodos.’  Yet dodos were very much ‘fit’ until sudden change came along.  Their lack of wing development and their inability to move quickly were desirable traits because it costs a lot of energy to grow strong wings or speedy legs.  Many people who do well in social competition look down their noses at the welfare parents who are losing the game.  These parents may be at the bottom of the social scale, but they are the most biologically fit in a post-industrial society.  They produce the most offspring for as little effort as possible.  They have a model of survival in which they don’t have to be smart, skilled, fast, or strong to reproduce.  Thus, they are the truly efficient survivors who exemplify fitness.  The mighty animals and competitive strength that extroverts love to idolize develop among the species always as a last resort when all the cheapskate strategies have failed.

I’ve just discussed the issue in terms of biological fitness when the extrovert is worried about social fitness, but the same principles apply.  In human society, just as in nature, the more energy one invests, the higher the stakes and the higher the return one’s effort must yield just to break even.  Fighting the way to the top of human society takes huge amounts of talent, energy, and risk.  Just being a homeowner competing with the Joneses across the street can make for a nervewracking existence.  Being a winner of human society is inherently difficult but what is the prize that makes all the strain and stress worthwhile?  In industrialized society it isn’t about being able to produce more offspring than other people.  On the contrary many great social winners have few if any children.  Indeed some are so busy striving for social fitness that their biological fitness is compromised.  If being the ‘fittest’ in the social sense isn’t about reproducing what then is the goal?

The end objectives obviously are recognition, adulation, power, wealth, desirable mates…  But why have all of these?  Any extrovert could consult their common sense and say that these are all very nice to have.  They’re things that make us feel good.  Not having all these things can make life horrible.  It makes us feel bad.

So we could succinctly say that the goal is an enjoyable life or simply happiness.  Yet being socially fit doesn’t even necessarily yield happiness.  Lots of people at the top suffer under the pressure of the huge expectations that come with their station and can never easily trust anyone precisely because of the high rank they’ve worked so hard for.

Surely, if happiness is the basic end goal, there has to be a more efficient, more reliable way of getting there than going down the long, treacherous path towards social fitness.  If we were to strip away the complex layers of this problem, we eventually reduce down to the self.  Certainly by focusing on this much smaller, much more immediately controllable problem we can arrive at the goal both more reliably and more efficiently.   Achieving the overall goal through these means could be considered more ‘fit’ than the whole notion of a competitive system of social fitness.  It is no coincidence that self-cultivation is the domain of the introvert.

Competing socially in an attempt to squeeze some happiness out of existence is a rather illogical approach, but it’s what we’re taught and what we’re pressured into doing all through our lives.  Only by stopping and thinking about our existence do we realize that complete devotion to the orthodoxy won’t necessarily fulfill any of our desires.

Extrovert Success and the Introvert

What kind of life in society is considered a success?  In obituaries we see ‘was a great person/parent’ and all kinds of statements, but never do we see ‘This person was successful.  In their time alive, they accomplished all the most important things in life.”

How are we to be successful anyway according to the mass society all around us?  Upon examination it seems nearly impossible.

Even if one has a happy marriage and great relations with all their family members, maybe they have difficulty getting along with their boss at work because of all the time spent with loved ones instead of work.

Even if one does great at work and is the boss’s favorite, maybe they’re workaholics distant from their spouse and family.  They’ve done well at the office because they put in those necessary extra hours.

One area of excellence excludes another in a competitive environment and yet extrovert ’success’ requires excelling in every one of them.

The result is a society of illusion where everyone strives to appear to have the best of everything in their lives.  One’s most publicly visible assets, a house and car are naturally the most important means of deception.

Though extroverts try to wake introverts up to ‘reality,’ they in fact live in a fairy tale land of their own making where every family has its own castle and magic carpet.  The price of illusion is a lifetime of servitude to the image they wish to project.  Never having known anything else, they are driven by vague notions of ’success’ that they thrust on everyone around them in turn.  They devote themselves entirely and without question, but do they ever really reach ’success?’

Many introverts out of desperation go looking for ways to become more extroverted, but would ’success’ in converting necessarily be salvation.  Even if one got more resources and recognition by becoming extroverted would one have eliminated the ability to experience happiness from these gains?  Would one end up lost in the maze of social comparisons, only happy or sad as others seem worse or better off?

To feel anything other than unfulfillment as an extrovert, one must hurry to have(or the appearance of having) a steady and loving marriage/relationship, a steady, highly paid, emotionally fulfilling job, a house, cars, an active social life, a fulfilling family life, a solid benefits and retirement package, above average, well-behaved children.

These criteria might even sound fairly ordinary but most people never come close to actually achieving them, even if they appear to do so.  It’s difficult to maintain marriage, family, friends, children when working a job that actually pays and provides benefits.  Even if one gets benefits, not many people can spend long enough in a single job to really benefit from them.  Even if one actually has the qualifications and social contacts to get one of these salary jobs, it’s still not enough to really pay for a house and cars, just for the appearance of being able to pay for them.  Even in the best of worlds where someone manages to somehow have all the bases covered, it’s an exhausting, stressful, demanding, noisy life to live.  Even in this best case scenario, this is the bare minimum one must do in the mass Western society before one has permission to be even moderately happy or successful.

In the current social climate, it takes an introvert to step back and realize that real life is by nature messy and imperfect.  That one can’t ‘have it all.’  That succeeding in one thing usually means sacrifice in another.

Once one starts asking questions, the whole idea of extrovert ’success’ is sadly delusional.  Happiness or sadness is all about expectations.

If one has unrealistic expectations, one can never really end up happy.  Success ends up being a theoretical ideal to which one tries to mold themselves.  Happiness is distant and intangible.

If one has realistic expectations, happiness is fairly easy to come by.  Success lies in making one’s peace with an imperfect, chaotic, transitory life.  Happiness is immediate and obtainable in our everyday lives.

The extrovert path to happiness and success is long, complicated, and comes with no guarantees.

The introverted path allows the possibility of happiness so long as one has clothes to wear, food to eat, and people to bond with.

It all goes back to a fundamental difference.

Loud things are grandiose, convoluted, and bloated

Subtle things are elegant, simple, and minimalistic

Why Are Such A High Proportion of Gifted People Introverted?

From a number of sites, I have learned that while introverts are very much in the minority of the population, we make up a strong majority of the gifted population.

This information comes as no surprise.

What kind of person is busy studying for fun in their spare time?

What kind of person has a personality that lends itself to deep thought?

What kind of person thinks in terms of the big picture?

Much of an extrovert’s superiority in social environments comes from thinking less.   If an introvert is standing in a long line.  They think: There’s thousands of people here.  If everyone chose to advance themselves by any means, there would be chaos and everyone loses.  I’ll continue standing here.

An extrovert thinks:  I’m tired of standing in line.  I will do whatever necessary to make things better for me.  The extrovert wins because there is no time spent reflecting.  The extrovert is lean and mean, geared for survival and unburdened by other concerns.

Introverts are disadvantaged in part because of their penchant for critical reasoning.  While an introvert is busy thinking  in terms of game theory, the extrovert has already gone out and played the game.

It takes an introvert to be emotionally detached from our own being, our own immediate benefit, and consider our existence in terms of the universe around us, on a larger scale, in the long term.  While stopping to think in the abstract compromises our ability to compete in the big social game, only people who can think outside of the game can ever hope to change the rules or operate outside of them.

Thus, the aggressive extrovert might succeed in moving up a few hundred places in line, working themselves half to death in the process.  The introvert, though far behind, has the potential to find a way to avoid the line entirely while still achieving their aims.  They have the presence of mind to actually ask, “Will my aims be achieved at the end of the line?  If so will it be worth it?  If worth it, is there an easier way?  If not worth it, why am I still in this line?”

The abstract and deep reasoning that socialites associate with rocket scientists is the default pattern of thought for an introvert.  Delving into larger problems and searching for the simplest solution comes as second nature.   Thus, it is a matter of course that gifted persons are largely introverts.