Life After Mass Society?

I received this comment from a reader:

Hey this is Adi. I have been reading a lot of your posts and like this blog a lot and I am posting for the first time.

I have a question that has been bugging me since I first started reading some of your posts. Before that let me clarify that I am your fellow intorvert as well. What I want to ask is, I still don’t understand a purpose of life that doesn’t involve social success and achieving a position in society. Because, the way I have been growing up, a lot of things that you have mentioned are extrovert traits are, the ones I have possessed too in spite of being an introvert. And yes, the way you have stated earlier, I too have wished that I was a person who is sought after by people, can make social bonds easily. But it hasn’t happened and then after realizing my true selves, I have started accepting myself. But still, I do not understand the purpose of life if you remain completely detached and aloof from society. Can you explain what are you living this life for? One example could be living for a very crazy passion if you do possess one. But what if you don’t?

Someone gets all the certificates and learns a skill.
Then the skill abruptly goes obsolete or gets outsourced.  All that effort for nothing.

Someone works for a lifetime and then retires.
They ask themselves, “Why am I still here.”

Someone comes up with a great idea or does the majority of the work on a project.
Their manager takes all the credit and moves up yet another notch on the ladder.

Does all that social stuff really give us purpose or does it merely distract us from questions of purpose?
You can get rewards and praise for doing what the society values, but is it all just noise that distracts from asking whether society values the right things, or whether the society is good and just?
What kind of person makes it to the top of society?  Are these the people who should be on top?  Are they good and just?
Does society care about you to the degree you care about it?  Can a mass society care about you?  If it can’t care, are you just another insignificant worker bee?  How then does society provide us with purpose or meaning?

Does it matter how many gold stars society puts on your forehead if you’ve not learned to be happy with who you are?  If somebody took away those gold stars tomorrow, what would remain?  If you lived for the gold stars and they’re gone now, who are you?

If one doesn’t have any ‘very crazy’ passions, perhaps they should explore and find some.

You’ve brought up excellent questions.  Questions that open up more questions.  Questions that can be scary to confront.  But there is a much deeper sense of peace and identity when we begin to figure out the answers.

When you don’t let the sum of all people(society) dictate who you are, the result is immense freedom.  This freedom has nothing to do with going off to a mountain monastery or living as a hermit.  It’s a state of mind that allows you to perceive the world around you differently:
Think of it this way:

Imagine someone living in a fabulously wealthy society where everyone is expected to have a palace.
This person feels stressed out, unhappy, and ‘poor’ because they can only afford a sumptuous Victorian mansion(butler included).  So long as social expectations define their world view, they will remain unhappy no matter what fantastic luxuries they might have.  Circumstances might change but the big questions are constant.  “How will I get what they have?”, “What will they think?”, What will they say?”

As soon as the person begins to derive expectations from within,  they see the mansion through new eyes.   The person is free to perceive its beauty for the very first time.  It is no longer a disgusting source of social shame, it is a house.  An enormous house abundantly equipped to fulfill every possible human need.  A house far bigger than anyone could possibly need.   Suddenly, it seems ludicrous that one’s life purpose could have been chasing after a still bigger house.  Surely it was never a purpose at all, just a way to pass the time until death.

The Mark of Cain

No matter where you go, nothing changes that much.  Each new set of people behaves much as the last.  A past history of low social rank or outright social exclusion leaves its mark that follows us around wherever we go.  One begins to appreciate just how effective human beings are at being social animals, just how competitive social existence is. Almost regardless of intelligence level, people can make a quick call based on how someone speaks(0r doesn’t speak) and holds their shoulders.  They always know on that gut level whether or not you’re confident and capable of defending yourself.  Whether or not you have friends and allies to back you up.  Whether or not you would be a useful ally to them.  The past keeps repeating itself, it’s a tough cycle to break out of.   There’s a couple days(at most) after meeting each new group of people before one is put into their place.  For lots of introverts it’s the same place time after time, no matter how they might scramble to put on appearances during that brief introductory period.  It’s like going through life with a mark of Cain imprinted in one’s forehead as one wanders from place to place.

Most people automatically perform these social processes and have little or no conscious awareness of what they do.  For the pensive introvert, they are painfully obvious even as they see yet another group going through its predictable motions.

Introverts vs. Extroverts: Learning

The acquisition of knowledge has a very different meaning to introverts and extroverts.

Extroverts:  Learning is a means to an ends

Introverts: Learning is an end unto itself.

Extroverts learn something so they can get something.  They usually have a very precise goal for pursuing information.  What is their goal?  It is almost always to get some kind of socially recognized title or certificate.  Without some kind of tangible end result that manifests in one’s social relationships, there is no reason at all to learn.  It is a very typical pattern for an extrovert to plow through countless dry textbooks in order to be awarded some crucial social distinction and then be perfectly happy never again reading another book.  After all books are a waste of time once one has ‘punched the ticket.’  Thereafter, from the Loud perspective, it’s the water cooler interactions and the networking that matters.  For an extrovert, learning is something that is done to you by others.  To teach oneself would be unthinkable, and well, even if it could be done, it would be boring.  Most importantly, one would go through endless hours of trouble without even a promised social stamp of approval at the end.

Introverts learn something because it is fun.  There may not be any immediate or tangible goal.  Or rather, there are multiple goals, some of them tangible and others more in the realm of dream.   Learning is the lifeblood and life purpose of the true introvert.   They will acquire whatever knowledge is necessary to make it in society, but will continue to both broaden and augment their knowledge throughout their lives.  Or often, the recreational accumulation of knowledge and skills gives an introvert everything they need to succeed.   It is a very typical pattern for an introvert to get the skills they need and then keep on learning and expanding just as before.  They read books to get where they are, they keep on reading until the grave.  For the true introvert, all learning starts with the personal volition to learn and love of knowledge.  Learning starts with the self and not with society and social institutions.  An introvert gets formal instruction because they too need formal stamps of approval and because they genuinely enjoy social interaction that revolves around the exchange of information.  However, the instruction of others is just a tool that facilitates the process of self-learning.  From the Subtle perspective learning is not done to us.  Rather we do it to ourselves out of love of knowledge and get help from others along the way.  Social stamps of approval are nice, but they never were the source of motivation.  There is no end to learning.  Instead, it is a personal lifelong journey.

The Insanity of Defining the Self By Society

Very recently, I found myself on one of Southern California’s mega highways in the company of a highly extroverted friend of mine.

3 PM had just hit and we were desperately struggling to get free of the LA area before it was too late.

‘We’ll be fine once we get past the 605′ he said.  On his cell phone roadmap, we could see red zones of congestion spreading by the minute.

Almost by the minute, traffic was moving slower and slower.  Without a guardian spirit on our side, we would soon be gridlocked.

In these type of Calfornian conditions, one is looking down four enormous completely packed lanes.  One can see thousands upon thousands of cars stretching into the distance.  There’s plenty of time to look around and take stock of everyone else’s hummers, luxury SUVs, audis, and lexuses.  All of these high end vehicles as far as the eye can see.  Thousands upon thousands stretching into the distance.  The remarkable and respectable becomes banal and vulgar.  The bar of competition rises that much higher.  Late on a cloudy afternoon, people’s headlights start to come on.  Countless pairs of glowing insectoid eyes fill the view of every driver.

Suddenly the whole place and its sheer excess made sense to me.  I  turned to my friend and goaded him.  “I think I get SoCal now.” I told him.  “You all are in your little car among millions and have to tell yourselves, ‘I’m not just another drone like all those people I see around me.’   You have to be able to tell yourselves that you are better.  It drives all of you to your famous levels of ambition.”

My friend has run for political office, has the social graces to charm an entire room full of people and become the life of the party.  He is highly intelligent and can engage people at a cocktail party on nearly any subject.  He can speak fluent Spanish and is as comfortable deer hunting in the mountains as he is sipping port and taking a fine cigar at his favorite watering hole.  In short, he is a very electable person.

He had to concede that indeed he had to believe that he was not just another drone.  That he was a unique SoCal overachiever, not just the regular kind.  He chuckled at these existential dilemmas because it’s kind of a game between us.  Yet he will continue his life’s task toward recognition regardless.

Earlier, that day in L.A., I had noticed the exact same phenomenon we experienced on that highway.  It was just like Ancient Rome with its seven hills or even an ancient Mesopotomian city with ziggurats towering over the common hovels.  In every day life, there was no escaping the life-defining fact of social competition.  The richest and poorest of a nation are there in the same place at the same time.  On the heights are the palaces of the winners.  In the flatland gaps between hills are places where even the city’s 13,000 cops don’t dare to go.  Never before had I seen such stark contrast.

I saw one winner’s balcony in particular jutting out over a crowded shambles below.  “They must come out and give Benediction to the Masses,”  I joked.  My friend had cracked up as I raised my arms in imitation of the Pope.  Surprise, surprise, more than one person has called me a cynic and condemned the dark nature of my humor.

The whole place was spectacular in its glorious decadence and inconceivable squalor.  Each one was all the more striking for the other.  I saw hordes of people without a penny within sight of the famous Hollywood sign.

L.A. is an excess even for my friend.  He much prefers the more moderate and austere character of San Diego.  Once we had gotten past the 605 we were free to zoom wherever we pleased through the Californian countryside.

It was dark outside and quiet as we drove along.  “It’s completely insane.” I said, still stunned by the day’s experience.

“Yes,” he agreed.  “Insane.”

It was more evident to me than ever that it is pure folly to allow society to define oneself.  It is foolishness and futility to judge oneself by the masses.  Without self-definition first one becomes lost in a cruel and elemental jungle of arbitrary social distinctions.

So long as I self-define, I could live in peace even sleeping on a bus bench at the foot of a hill slathered with the homes of famous actors.  The famous actors on high are no doubt busily competing amongst one another.  No matter their luxurious trappings, the character of their existence could not be said to be essentially different from that in the slums below.  No matter who you are, there are always bigger fish, and if no bigger fish, life’s purpose has come to an end.

Extroverts Vs. Introverts: Survival of the Fittest

Why is extroversion better?

The answer is common sense for the extrovert.  When we look at the world around us, extroverts are in demand, have higher status, are the life of the party, get what they want.  In the competitive jungle of society the fittest survive.  The extroverts who fight their way to the top are clearly the fittest, the introvert who can’t even find friends or make contacts with powerful people is a clear loser of the game.   Extroverts understand ‘fitness’ as one football team eliminating another from the playoffs, one worker getting that promotion over another.  Extrovert fitness is the concept that one achieves survival in direct competition by having greater prowess and determination than one’s rivals.  “May the best man win.”

The truth, however, is that ‘fitness’ is a minimalist proposition.  In nature, those creatures that reproduce the most for as little cost as possible win.  This often doesn’t mean being competitive in any way that occurs to Loud people.  After all, one can hardly imagine a stadium full of fans screaming fanatically for a team called the ‘dodos.’  Yet dodos were very much ‘fit’ until sudden change came along.  Their lack of wing development and their inability to move quickly were desirable traits because it costs a lot of energy to grow strong wings or speedy legs.  Many people who do well in social competition look down their noses at the welfare parents who are losing the game.  These parents may be at the bottom of the social scale, but they are the most biologically fit in a post-industrial society.  They produce the most offspring for as little effort as possible.  They have a model of survival in which they don’t have to be smart, skilled, fast, or strong to reproduce.  Thus, they are the truly efficient survivors who exemplify fitness.  The mighty animals and competitive strength that extroverts love to idolize develop among the species always as a last resort when all the cheapskate strategies have failed.

I’ve just discussed the issue in terms of biological fitness when the extrovert is worried about social fitness, but the same principles apply.  In human society, just as in nature, the more energy one invests, the higher the stakes and the higher the return one’s effort must yield just to break even.  Fighting the way to the top of human society takes huge amounts of talent, energy, and risk.  Just being a homeowner competing with the Joneses across the street can make for a nervewracking existence.  Being a winner of human society is inherently difficult but what is the prize that makes all the strain and stress worthwhile?  In industrialized society it isn’t about being able to produce more offspring than other people.  On the contrary many great social winners have few if any children.  Indeed some are so busy striving for social fitness that their biological fitness is compromised.  If being the ‘fittest’ in the social sense isn’t about reproducing what then is the goal?

The end objectives obviously are recognition, adulation, power, wealth, desirable mates…  But why have all of these?  Any extrovert could consult their common sense and say that these are all very nice to have.  They’re things that make us feel good.  Not having all these things can make life horrible.  It makes us feel bad.

So we could succinctly say that the goal is an enjoyable life or simply happiness.  Yet being socially fit doesn’t even necessarily yield happiness.  Lots of people at the top suffer under the pressure of the huge expectations that come with their station and can never easily trust anyone precisely because of the high rank they’ve worked so hard for.

Surely, if happiness is the basic end goal, there has to be a more efficient, more reliable way of getting there than going down the long, treacherous path towards social fitness.  If we were to strip away the complex layers of this problem, we eventually reduce down to the self.  Certainly by focusing on this much smaller, much more immediately controllable problem we can arrive at the goal both more reliably and more efficiently.   Achieving the overall goal through these means could be considered more ‘fit’ than the whole notion of a competitive system of social fitness.  It is no coincidence that self-cultivation is the domain of the introvert.

Competing socially in an attempt to squeeze some happiness out of existence is a rather illogical approach, but it’s what we’re taught and what we’re pressured into doing all through our lives.  Only by stopping and thinking about our existence do we realize that complete devotion to the orthodoxy won’t necessarily fulfill any of our desires.

Extrovert Success and the Introvert

What kind of life in society is considered a success?  In obituaries we see ‘was a great person/parent’ and all kinds of statements, but never do we see ‘This person was successful.  In their time alive, they accomplished all the most important things in life.”

How are we to be successful anyway according to the mass society all around us?  Upon examination it seems nearly impossible.

Even if one has a happy marriage and great relations with all their family members, maybe they have difficulty getting along with their boss at work because of all the time spent with loved ones instead of work.

Even if one does great at work and is the boss’s favorite, maybe they’re workaholics distant from their spouse and family.  They’ve done well at the office because they put in those necessary extra hours.

One area of excellence excludes another in a competitive environment and yet extrovert ’success’ requires excelling in every one of them.

The result is a society of illusion where everyone strives to appear to have the best of everything in their lives.  One’s most publicly visible assets, a house and car are naturally the most important means of deception.

Though extroverts try to wake introverts up to ‘reality,’ they in fact live in a fairy tale land of their own making where every family has its own castle and magic carpet.  The price of illusion is a lifetime of servitude to the image they wish to project.  Never having known anything else, they are driven by vague notions of ’success’ that they thrust on everyone around them in turn.  They devote themselves entirely and without question, but do they ever really reach ’success?’

Many introverts out of desperation go looking for ways to become more extroverted, but would ’success’ in converting necessarily be salvation.  Even if one got more resources and recognition by becoming extroverted would one have eliminated the ability to experience happiness from these gains?  Would one end up lost in the maze of social comparisons, only happy or sad as others seem worse or better off?

To feel anything other than unfulfillment as an extrovert, one must hurry to have(or the appearance of having) a steady and loving marriage/relationship, a steady, highly paid, emotionally fulfilling job, a house, cars, an active social life, a fulfilling family life, a solid benefits and retirement package, above average, well-behaved children.

These criteria might even sound fairly ordinary but most people never come close to actually achieving them, even if they appear to do so.  It’s difficult to maintain marriage, family, friends, children when working a job that actually pays and provides benefits.  Even if one gets benefits, not many people can spend long enough in a single job to really benefit from them.  Even if one actually has the qualifications and social contacts to get one of these salary jobs, it’s still not enough to really pay for a house and cars, just for the appearance of being able to pay for them.  Even in the best of worlds where someone manages to somehow have all the bases covered, it’s an exhausting, stressful, demanding, noisy life to live.  Even in this best case scenario, this is the bare minimum one must do in the mass Western society before one has permission to be even moderately happy or successful.

In the current social climate, it takes an introvert to step back and realize that real life is by nature messy and imperfect.  That one can’t ‘have it all.’  That succeeding in one thing usually means sacrifice in another.

Once one starts asking questions, the whole idea of extrovert ’success’ is sadly delusional.  Happiness or sadness is all about expectations.

If one has unrealistic expectations, one can never really end up happy.  Success ends up being a theoretical ideal to which one tries to mold themselves.  Happiness is distant and intangible.

If one has realistic expectations, happiness is fairly easy to come by.  Success lies in making one’s peace with an imperfect, chaotic, transitory life.  Happiness is immediate and obtainable in our everyday lives.

The extrovert path to happiness and success is long, complicated, and comes with no guarantees.

The introverted path allows the possibility of happiness so long as one has clothes to wear, food to eat, and people to bond with.

It all goes back to a fundamental difference.

Loud things are grandiose, convoluted, and bloated

Subtle things are elegant, simple, and minimalistic

Why Are Such A High Proportion of Gifted People Introverted?

From a number of sites, I have learned that while introverts are very much in the minority of the population, we make up a strong majority of the gifted population.

This information comes as no surprise.

What kind of person is busy studying for fun in their spare time?

What kind of person has a personality that lends itself to deep thought?

What kind of person thinks in terms of the big picture?

Much of an extrovert’s superiority in social environments comes from thinking less.   If an introvert is standing in a long line.  They think: There’s thousands of people here.  If everyone chose to advance themselves by any means, there would be chaos and everyone loses.  I’ll continue standing here.

An extrovert thinks:  I’m tired of standing in line.  I will do whatever necessary to make things better for me.  The extrovert wins because there is no time spent reflecting.  The extrovert is lean and mean, geared for survival and unburdened by other concerns.

Introverts are disadvantaged in part because of their penchant for critical reasoning.  While an introvert is busy thinking  in terms of game theory, the extrovert has already gone out and played the game.

It takes an introvert to be emotionally detached from our own being, our own immediate benefit, and consider our existence in terms of the universe around us, on a larger scale, in the long term.  While stopping to think in the abstract compromises our ability to compete in the big social game, only people who can think outside of the game can ever hope to change the rules or operate outside of them.

Thus, the aggressive extrovert might succeed in moving up a few hundred places in line, working themselves half to death in the process.  The introvert, though far behind, has the potential to find a way to avoid the line entirely while still achieving their aims.  They have the presence of mind to actually ask, “Will my aims be achieved at the end of the line?  If so will it be worth it?  If worth it, is there an easier way?  If not worth it, why am I still in this line?”

The abstract and deep reasoning that socialites associate with rocket scientists is the default pattern of thought for an introvert.  Delving into larger problems and searching for the simplest solution comes as second nature.   Thus, it is a matter of course that gifted persons are largely introverts.

Introverts: Denizens of a Social Ghetto

When we say the word ghetto, we generally think of rap, thugs, and crime.  What we usually think of  is a modern economic ghetto, a neighborhood where all the poorest people live  and can’t afford to leave.

I would be bold enough to suggest however, that true introverts live in a social ghetto.   We don’t fit in and are forced to live as misfits and outsiders on the margins.  Most extroverts barely even seem to realize that we exist.  We are pushed aside into a separate ‘neighborhood’ where we live out an isolated existence.  Our state of existence is one of social poverty.

Growing up and even into college, I had to fight off resentment whenever extroverts complained about relationships and other forms of social connection I hadn’t even the luxury of aspiring to.   I understood that these people lived in another universe and that there was no way I could hope to make them understand that I had truly lived most of my life at the bare subsistence level.  Even if I could explain my situation to the other person, the response might be bewildered pity or possibly even contempt, but never understanding.  Part of the torture is that I couldn’t even really talk to anyone about my situation.

Over years, a lot of my energy had been focused on merely surviving.  It makes long term planning very difficult for me to this day.  Not long ago, I was bewildered whenever someone asked me questions about marriage, or having children.  That was all so distant as to be completely off my map.  The asker, usually a girl, would see my deer in the headlights look and conclude I was weird or just stupid.  To me, stable social relationships and settling down was a thing that the Accepted liked to talk about.  It had no relevance at all to my life.

Every encounter I had with normal people became akin to a clash of understanding and values sooner or later.  Usually sooner.  Our expectations of life were on different planets.  They were counting on a comfortable life and a family.  I was hoping for survival.  I could very well be in the same economic bracket as the person to whom I was talking yet clearly I was in some way impoverished.  Truly I lived in another place altogether from these normal people, a social ghetto of sorts.

On the internet, I’ve been discovering more and more people who grew up in the same neighborhood that I did and I’m enjoying it very much.

As a final note:

The first ghetto, Il Ghetto, was not an economic ghetto.  It was a holding area in the city of Venice where all the Jews in town were forced to live.  These Jews were often quite economically wealthy, but their social unbelonging led them to experience another, equally oppressive form of poverty.

Women Introverts

I’m writing this as a male, I welcome introvert females who want to comment, add to, or correct me on this matter.

To begin with, women introverts are rarer than their male counterparts.  Or at least, those women considered introverted are still considerably more social in nature than their male counterparts.

I’ve met a few in my lifetime who really fit the description.  In general they had a horrible time growing up,  same as males, but the nature of their experience was quite different.

Because truly introverted behavior is so unusual in women, it begets some truly nasty reactions.  Every pair of parents wants and expects their daughter to be bright, happy, social, and cheerful.  Little girls are expected to be pleasing and put a warm fuzzy feeling in everyone’s(especially daddy’s) tummy.  Everyone wants their little girl to be  a golden girl.  Most girls step right into this role with glee and thrive on the attention they’re given.

Yet now that I’ve met introvert females I’ve seen the special treatment and attention girls get has its sinister side.  There quite simply is no place for girls who behave differently or who don’t fulfill their narrow expectations.  Such girls are thought of us as ’strange’ and are kept out of sight for fear of shame while sunny extroverts are flaunted.  Some parents are understanding, but the introvert girls I’ve known have had at least one parent who reacted negatively to them from a young age.

Most introverted girls tell me that they don’t get along well with other girls, least of all the social hostesses, soccer moms, and sorority girls.

Like men, they endured a lot of teasing from both sexes while growing up.

While introvert men are shut away entirely from the world of romance and relationships, introvert girls just end up in bad relationships because of low self esteem during their teenage years.

Unlike other girls who keep making this same mistake all their lives, an introvert woman’s heart hardens and she learns her lesson quickly.  She becomes one of those rare and precious women who isn’t chasing millionaires and movie stars.

Introvert women are much more pragmatic and analytical than other women, more so than most men.  They value fairness in a relationship and treasure the quality of a relationship over the material things that can be extracted from it.

While many women speak loudly and rapidly, introvert women tend to speak more slowly and deliberately.  They love spending time outdoors and wear less makeup than other women.

They have a deep appreciation for spells of silence and natural beauty.

They are often superb writers with a lot of creativity and flair for describing the details.

Introvert women always amaze me because they basically contradict everything male cynics have said for centuries.

The sad thing is that most of them, even as adults don’t understand just how precious they are.

Introverts and Prostitutes

I’ve been hesitating to write this one. I’ve been considering the potential of this information to do harm. I’ve been considering the opposite sex. I’ve been considering whether it’s wise to make this sort of information public in the nominal anonymity of the internet. However, I have to give in. Most of the time a male true introvert lacks any fellow human beings with which he has anything in common. Most of the time there are absolutely zero even mildly suitable female partners in his immediate circle of acquaintance. Attempts at internet dating are no less hellish. The only option(short of everlasting celibacy) within mainstream society for men who don’t fit in is to try to ‘game’ females for which he has no personal affection. This activity involves lying to someone else. For an introvert, it must involve a fair measure of lying to oneself. It is yet another scenario where the introvert’s need to conceal his true personality is critical. This approach is destructive and/or unethical for several reasons. It:

-Acknowledges and reinforces the larger society’s belief that introversion is a mental sickness.

-Reinforces a lifetime of having to conceal one’s true self.

-Reduces one to lying for one’s own selfish purposes. Forces one into a lifestyle of operating under false pretexts and diminishes one’s character.

-Consumes huge amounts of time and money. Becomes a distraction from the acquisition of knowledge, the sharpening of the intellect, from every other pleasure life has to offer.

Every time I was faced with the dating scene and how I would have to lie, lie, lie to get anywhere, I thought of how devoting myself to such a toxic environment would diminish me and force me to deny myself. I never could bring myself to truly devote myself. Yet, like most men, I was unwilling to live a life of celibacy. I had my needs, the unfulfillment of which proved another annoying distraction in my life. There had to be another solution. A solution that consumed a minimum of time and resources while being as ethical as possible. Mainstream persons might be shocked at the answer that occurred to me:

prostitution.

Perhaps the main appeal was simply the stark honesty in it.

-There is no lying or misunderstanding. Both parties are absolutely clear in their intent and motives. There is no possibility of misleading or deceiving someone. One need not stoop to becoming a deceiver.

-There is no need to act like someone else or hide one’s own personality. One need not suffer the indignity of denying oneself in order to get the prize carrot at the end of the stick.

-The cost of a prostitute is usually going to be less than the cost of dating.

-The cost in time of a prostitute is always going to be much less.

-Once again, honesty to oneself and to others. Unless a man feels genuine affection and affinity for a girl he mostly wants just one thing. Lots of men on the dating scene have to lie to themselves about this, but it’s the truth.

I was already in my twenties and still hadn’t lost my virginity. My body had lusted ceaselessly since my earliest teens. After a decade of eternal unfulfillment, I’d had enough. I needed sex, but I was both unwilling and unable to trick a girl into doing the deed with me. What I needed above all, even as much as intimate physical contact, was to have the knowledge of what sex was actually like. All I had to go on was the obviously distorted images of it in hollywood movies and TV shows. To lose my virginity was to engage in exploration, same as reading a book on a new subject. It was also to attain another degree of separation from my birth society. I needed my own definition of sex in my head apart from all the televised nonsense.

I finally got my chance in Amsterdam’s red light district while travelling across Europe. It is illegal for the prostitutes there to have pimps, most I’m told are independent agents just making money for themselves. They are just like any other self-employed people under the law of their country and can get themselves checked for diseases whenever they like. I chose this place in particular because I wanted to reduce my risk and be sure I was going to be with someone who was in the business by her own choice. The experience was very satisfying but it didn’t feel extraordinary at all. Yet, I felt as though I had been cheated all my life of something integral to human existence. It felt like one of those normal pleasures that ought to be daily and routine like eating a good meal or taking a good dump. It was just as natural as eating. In fact, I best enjoyed it on an empty stomach and then I’d go eat at a restaurant with that pleasant buzz still in my body. The experience confirmed what I had already known. The hype in pop-culture is completely undeserved and it exists because of the simple fact that sex makes money. It makes money because it is so hard to find a desirable partner in real life. People tend to want what they can’t have, even if it’s not deserving of such intense desire.

I am aware that what I did would be considered by most people to be ’sleazy’ at best.   Some of my friends were horrified when I admitted what I had done(they asked). However, I still understand what I did to be the most ethical solution and that is why I’m writing about it today. The majority culture in English speaking countries strongly disapproves of prostitution. Yet the same culture is perfectly OK with men who just want sex deceiving women who are searching for long term relationships.  It seems rather warped to me. Just another indictment of my silly birth culture. Just another reason to turn away from the accepted orthodoxy. For the most part, people aren’t trying to be ethical. They’re just mindlessly following whatever they were taught and reacting to the values of the majority of others so they don’t get crushed.

In any case, I benefited greatly from my experiment. The experience helped put things into perspective that my birth culture had distorted. I had known intellectually that women, like men were creatures of flesh and blood but until I educated myself, I had not known this truth on the visceral level. After this experience, women had far less power over me. As a result, women were far more attracted to me.

I hadn’t the luxury of thinking about fine cuisine until I had escaped famine conditions.  Once I knew I had some potential outlet for basic sex, I could turn my mind to the possibility of actually building a relationship with a woman for the first time in my life. Because I had an appreciation of just how ordinary sex is, I was able to pursue my private studies without any doubts that I was indeed missing out on something unfathomably great. I was more focused in my solitude than ever before and more content. I could finally look on all the extroverts who always seem to pair up with ease without any particular envy or insecurity. All because of a few nights not very good sex.

And when I say not very good, I mean it. You can pick any girl you want, but I have to warn prospective johns. She will try to do as little as she can for as much money as possible. You should haggle over the price and be 100% sure that it is mutually understood what you’ve agreed to do together. It’s not very good sex because one must constantly be on guard against being cheated. Also because a guy has a strict time limit to finish up. Knowing that the clock is ticking doesn’t make for the most relaxing of sessions. It’s not very good sex, but it is sex and with whoever you want.

And something that goes for anywhere in the world: DON’T USE STREETWALKERS. Most of them are under the control of pimps, might even be sex slaves, might be trying to fuel a drug addiction or all of the above. They’re also one of the best ways in the world to catch a disease.

While in a puritanical English speaking country, the best bet is undoubtedly to call up escorts and gradually find out which ones work out best.

A very important thing to know: If you are a virgin, don’t EVER tell them that you are a virgin. It’s the equivalent of going to a car dealership and telling them you’ve never bought a car before. If she knows you don’t know anything, she will use every trick in the book to quickly separate you and your money. If she thinks she can get away with it, she might even try to extort you once you’re too far along to easily stop. These ladies are not the victims they’re portrayed as in the movies. They’re tough and they’ve seen it all. They are quick to manipulate and intimidate when they think it will get them somewhere. The john and hooker relationship is not one-sided and it’s more complicated than moral puritans realize.

The bottom line: take all the cautionary measures you would if you were making any other purchase. This is business and male introverts who remember this will get the basics of what they need, what has always been impossible to get within the hostile confines of their birth society.

Most important of all:

Ability to satisfy the basic male need for sex without being forced to subjugate oneself to the standards of the accepted orthodoxy.  Sex no matter how uncool one’s hobbies are or how divergent one’s personality and interests.  Sex without having to spend months learning courtship procedures all the other guys learned as a part of basic socialization.   For introvert men, this means removal of the last great means of leverage society still has on their lives.  It is a form of emancipation; the ability to simply bypass all the usual onerous steps and get to the truth and purpose of the matter.